Tuesday, March 31, 2009


I received my third DVD from Mommy Daisy in the mail today. I was able to hide it from the kids so that I can bring it out for Chris's birthday sleepover. It's silly but Im always so excited when I get fun stuff in the mail, even plain old letters.

Mommy Daisy has started a brand new review blog where she will be hosting the DVD giveaways as well as a few other reviews... so go check it out. Like now.


Breastfeeding and I have never really had a very good relationship.

With Rayden, things were fine in the beginning but after a couple of weeks, he started to have problems and I chose to switch him to formula. He would scream for most of the time that he was awake and his belly was always swollen, as if it was filled with a lot of gas. My pediatrician was no help and any tests that were performed, came back fine. I was living with my parents at the time and had lots of help so I know that it wasn't just that I was doing something wrong. My mother had five children herself and Rayden was her third grandchild, she knew her shit. But even she couldn't figure out what was wrong.

So I tried a few bottles of some formula and after a few days, there was no improvement. I was at my end with it all and had no idea what to do. But then at our last doc appointment before moving across the country, my GP gave me a few samples of a lactose free formula to try. His first bottle was the evening we left Ontario and that night was the first time that Rayden slept through the night. All of his issues magically disappeared with that first bottle. No one really believed that he had any real issues with breast milk, but there was no denying that he was a million times better on the lactose free formula.

When Chris was a few weeks old, his dad got mono and this was a few days before another move. This time it was only to a neighboring town, but with two small children and a sick SO, it was just as difficult. I had to keep baby Chris away from his father completely because mono is scary when it comes to newborns. With everything going on, I ended up missing too much school and had to drop the semester, leaving us with a lot less money than planned. So instead of pushing The Ex to get a job on top of his schooling, I decided to get something just to get us through the summer.

When Chris was two months old, I went to work from 7:30 to 4:30 each day at an office that literally had no where for me to pump, except the bathroom. So we started to supplement with formula during the day and I continued to breastfeed him in the evenings and throughout the night. After a month though it was clear that my supply was just not keeping up and I decided to give it up completely.

For someone who was so determined to breast feed, this was crushing. I had had two babies and only breast fed for a combined total of five months. I felt like a failure and I was ashamed to tell anyone. I would always go into the whole story if anyone asked about it just because I didn't want them to judge me, which is insane.

When Michael came along, I was determined to make it work. I spent a lot of my pregnancy reading everything I could on the topic and by the time he was born, I had created my action plan; I would do nothing. With the first two I was so caught up with what I should have been doing or what everyone else told me to do that I think I missed out on finding what was right for my baby and I. When Michael was born, I gave all that up and instead allowed him to eat when he wanted, how he wanted. I usually only ever offered him one side and he would eat until he was finished. Sometimes he would eat again a half hour later and sometimes he would go four or five hours in between. With time, he created his own routine and never once did I stress over it. He didn't use me as a pacifier, and if he ever did try to just suck without eating, I would unlatch him. I was lucky enough that I could bring him with me to work and I had so few classes at that it was rarely an issue to be away from him.

Michael and I lasted a year like that until I had to go away for five days to a conference. I only found out that I was going the week before so I had no time to prepare. My poor mother was stuck with the horrible job of switching him to cow's milk while I was away. The first night he didn't sleep at all, but by the second he was better.

Unknown to me at the time, I actually conceived Josiah while at that conference. I don't think I ever actually stopped making milk during my entire pregnancy and Josiah began breast feeding without a problem. With him the issue was mine, I was done. I've never particularly enjoyed breastfeeding but always thought that it was best for them, so I did it. Unfortunately for Josiah though, I just had this longing to be done with it all from the time he was only a few months old. By six months I was ready to just stop. He'll be nine months next week and we have finally finished. He ate last night in the middle of the night and I think that will probably be his very last time. He still wants it from time to time but he is usually just as happy with a bottle.

Im happy that it's over but a little sad too. I don't want anymore babies and so this will probably be the end of that time in my life. I've given up breast feeding this time for completely selfish reasons but I don't feel bad like I did with my first two. I know that this is the right decision for me and Im sure Ill be a happier mom because of it.

Friday, March 27, 2009

He's a keeper

This whole dating this is obviously hit or miss and doing it with kids makes it really difficult to actually find someone. Apparently though, I seem to have found a definite candidate for the role of My Prince Charming.

Jason surprised me last night by showing up after work with a bunch of groceries to make dinner for the kids and I. Because it was a surprise, I obviously didn't know and had just given the kids their dinner; but that just made it all the nicer when we did sit down to eat together. He was a little disappointed that we couldn't talk much without interruptions, but it was still lovely.

Excuse the blur on the picture, my camera was on some weird setting....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

catching up

Well, hi

It's been awhile

I don't really have a reason for my absence, I just didn't feel like writing. Hopefully that's over and Ill actually get back to regular postings. Maybe. I hate the idea of just letting this blog turn into another one of my forgotten projects.

So, whats new with us?

Chris started preschool and he seems to be doing ok. He doesn't like going each morning but I'm not surprised. He will literally spend his entire day in front of the computer or tv if I let him. The very thought of having to spend an entire morning away from his beloved electronics has him crying and whining until his bus arrives to pick him up. When he gets home, his shoes are barely off before he is asking to play on the computer. Then he gets an hour, maybe a little more before I banish him upstairs to play with his brothers. So far, I think this schedule has really helped him be a little more active and improve his willingness to play with his toys.

I met with Rayden's teacher last week after a kind of crappy report card. It was probably a B average overall, but definitely a drop from his usual grades. Apparently he is having some major behavior issues as well including disrespecting the teachers and vice-principal. We worked out an action plan and hopefully with a little work, we can head this off before it seriously affects his learning and social development. So far, I've had to spend at least an hour each day with just him and I, one-on-one style to get through the massive amounts of work. I'm sure that his drop is related to my inability to find the time to help him as much as he needs. Right now though it has to take priority, so that's what we're doing.

Michael hasn't changed much in the last few months, other than his increasing vocabulary. I don't really know how to describe the changes in his communication because he has always been ahead with it, but he seems to have advanced somehow. I had no trouble understanding his words and desires in the fall but it just seems like its more so now, without any real changes. If that makes any sense.

Josiah has been sick for the last week so that seriously sucks. He is down to a tiny breast feeding session in the middle of the night followed immediately by a bottle. I'm sure we'll drop that one as soon as he is feeling better, but I'm not pushing it. He is still doing his army crawl thing, but with more lifting of the torso. He is all over the living room in no time and I've had to re-train myself not to walk out of the room with him on the floor anymore. We have this small step at the entrance way to the living room and so far he hasn't tried to go over it, but I cant trust that obviously. As for food, he is eating everything other than those obvious choking/allergy things that have to wait.

I've been weird lately. I don't know what it is or how to even describe it. I'm ready to be doing something with my life again and it's hard to just sit around and wait. There are only so many times I can clean out the closets or try to organize the kids toys before I get a little bored with this whole domestic thing. My writing has been as neglected as this blog. I haven't even spent much time with anyone or done anything. I have lots of time on my hands but I just don't feel like doing anything, half the time. Damn, I don't know how to get out of this.

One really great thing to come out of the last couple of weeks is that I started seeing a new guy, Jason. So far it's really going well and I'm happy with it.

But to balance that out, I've been having trouble with P again. I very stupidly asked The Ex if he would contribute something to Chris's birthday party. He didn't respond but I got a text from P telling me not to contact The Ex and obviously they wouldn't be doing anything that would help me out. Duh. How could I even think such a thing? I should have just let it go but I was in a mood and we continued back and forth until she insulted the kids saying how ridiculous it was that Rayden has bed wetting issues* and Chris cant read (he's five and just started preschool, I don't see the problem). According to her, those things make me a terrible mother. I doubt it occurred to her that maybe The Ex and even herself would also be responsible for you know, parenting. We're all supposed to be in this together, but apparently they just get to play video games and eat junk food with the kids a couple times each month, leaving me to deal with everything else. She even told me to get my new man to help me with whatever I needed because The Ex was not interested. Because that makes sense. Get the man that I've been seeing for a couple of weeks to do the things their father should be doing. Um, no.

Sometimes I wish they would just walk away and stop causing problems; those kids deserve loving, responsible parents.

So that's what's been happening with us. Im hopeful that some more jobs will be coming available soon and maybe the change of getting back to work will help with my blah feeling.

*Rayden has always had issues wetting the bed but he now goes maybe a month or so between bouts of it where he will do it every night for a few nights. When he sleeps over anywhere or sleeps at The Ex's, he wears good nights to protect the mattress but doesn't need them at home because he has special sheets. I've tried everything (and so did The Ex, when he was around) but nothing seems to help so we are waiting it out. We've talked to doctors and have a fairly painless routine when it does happen, so I don't consider it a problem.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Brighter Days

So wow, over a week has gone by. That's kinda crappy. There is very little going on with us to update, but I'll try to pull a few things out for ya.

1. Josiah is doing the almost crawl thing where he has most of the mechanics figured out but he falls down between each push forward. He is quick too and we've had to resort to moving the coffee table so that it blocks the doorway out of the living room. There is a small step there and without depth perception, Im sure the little guy would be falling on his face over and over.

This morning he had a great time crawling over to his toy basket that I keep beside his play pen. He tried to climb on it to get the toys but (although funny) I couldn't let him struggle like that and so I tipped it over for him. That kept him occupied for a good half hour! OMG! It was amazing. He only stopped when he got tired and ready for a nap.

Speaking of naps, I have switched him to formula during the day. Right before he goes down for a nap he will drink about 4oz and he does that 3-4 times/day. He still gets the boob in the evenings and throughout the night. This arrangement is working perfectly for me. My supply is still there for those few feedings at night and yet I don't feel like he is attached to me all of the time. He rarely bites me anymore either so that's just amazing.

His food preferences have totally lessened over the last couple of weeks which means that he eats almost anything. I have found that he will eat green veggies as long as they are mixed with orange ones and he loves most fruit. His favorite jarred food is still bananas but he is also really into carrots. He is eating bits of cheese and mini muffins by himself and apples in his little feeder thingy. For breakfast every morning he has yogurt mixed with rice cereal, for the added iron. All in all, I think he is doing quite well with his eating. The only issue I have now is his lack of interest in meats. He will eat bits of whatever we are eating if I make them small enough and just put them right into his mouth but he hates any of the jarred varieties of meat...really who can blame him though.

2. Chris is finally starting preschool on Monday. I have been trying to get this worked out since September but my God it has been hard. I have worked it out so that two different gov't departments will be paying for it and it has really just been all the back and forth between them and myself that has caused it to take so long. Anyway, it is all worked out now and Chris is really excited! Im looking forward to having my mornings with just the two little ones as well. How great will it be to only have two kids to occupy? Oh man, Im excited! We will be able to go for walks and I wont have to constantly be telling someone to stay with me! Usually with all of the kids, I have someone trying to walk off on their own, but now Ill be able to strap Josiah into his wrap and put Michael into his stroller. Oooh, the ease!

3. The weather is finally starting to clear around here. I cant believe that most of the snow is actually gone. It's probably just a little tease of spring but whatever it is, Im all for it. When I finish writing this and Josiah wakes from his nap we are going for a walk and I cant wait. Its amazing how much those yucky dark days can get to ya.

So that's about all that has been going on with us with us this week. Im sure Ill be around a little more now that things are becoming a little easier for us. I hope all is well with everyone, take care!