lets move that other post down a bit...

Wow. Life changes so fast. This year has gone by in seconds, even with it's ups and downs. Or maybe because of them.

As I mentioned, Jason has continued to live here for the last 8 months because of financial reasons. We both knew that the time was getting close and that he would soon find a place so we've been preparing. The other night we sat down together and looked through online ads for apartments. For the last couple of years in our area, there's been a housing shortage so prices are steep and Jason gets intimidated easily. So in the interest of keeping my sanity, I helped him contact the agents and set up appointments. As of yesterday afternoon, he finally has a new apartment.

It's bittersweet. Not because there's any sort of emotional attachment left, but because we've stayed very intertwined through all of this. I no longer have a car so we've been sharing his santa fe. He is practically allergic to grocery stores, so I do all the shopping. This is coming to an end.

We have to find new ways of doing things. I can no longer ask him to look after all the things around the house that I need done or get him to clean the cat boxes. Nor can I rely on him to watch the kids while I go to class or bring them to their lessons. It's going to be different.

But my biggest worry was the kids' school. When we moved from a neighboring city last year, I contacted the local french immersion school but was told there was no room in the program. I had to wait until spots opened up for both of my school aged children. so I waited.

I've talked with the principal and other administrative staff many times over the last 14 months and finally after finding out yesterday that I'll soon be without a vehicle, they suddenly had spots open up in both 1st and 4th grade. God is amazing.

The school is still 2km away, although Im hoping there's some sort of a path that connects some streets in between. We could shave off nearly half of that distance if I can find one. So that'll be my mission for the next couple of weeks. Along with getting Jason to finish up what he can around here, helping him pack and move, getting the kids things settled to switch school in the middle of a term and figuring out my new budget. The loss of Jason's financial contribution will definitely make a difference but wont be devastating. Im still hoping to put a little aside each month towards a car so that by the time winter really hits, the kids wont be walking.

confessions

Its hard to write. It's hard to know what to say. Everything I think to write about seems trivial and just not worth the time it would take to write. I feel like if I write about something else, Im lying in a way. Not giving the whole truth.

It's been nagging at me.

My life has changed. I've changed. I shouldn't feel scared to speak freely in a space that I've created for just that reason. Two years ago when I started this blog, I expressed my desire to share without the worry of judgement. How did I share some of my darkest thoughts and shame filled experiences then and yet not be able to do it now? Why is it so hard to say that I've messed up, my life is a mess.

Jason and I broke up 8 months ago. I still occasionally mention him because we still live together. It's hard. If you remember, back in February, my grandfather passed away and I flew to Ontario to attend his funeral. When I returned, things weren't good and within a few days Jason had decided to leave.

At first I didn't want to except it. I cared for him but it was more than that. I didn't want to admit another failure in my life. We moved in together early because it was better for us financially. In the end, I exposed my children to another man who wouldn't be staying in their lives. A man whom they saw pour his energy drink over their mother's head and then hit her in the head with the can.*

Moving Jason in was a horrible decision for a mother to make. Did I do it because I truly believed we would be good? Or did I do it because I was lonely and tired of being the only person responsible for these four tiny beings? In my heart I know which one it was.

So we broke up. I didn't want to. I was scared to face being a single mom again, scared to be alone, scared to be judged. As time went on, Jason stayed. He couldn't afford to move out and pay his share of the expenses while still living here. We didn't get back together, but at times I thought we would. I wanted to.

The incident in with the energy drink happend in May. By then I was praying for God to give me the strength to let Jason leave. To take away any feelings I still had for him. Maybe that was the moment that it happend.

A month later I joined a church. I haven't attended church since I met The Ex, 8 years ago. I was scared of going into something I didn't know anything about anymore. Scared of being judged and treated like I didn't belong. And at times I have felt that way, but overall it's been good.

Years ago when Micah was just a baby, I prayed for a Daddy for him. God responded by telling me that it wasn't time, that I had to work on my relationship with Him before I could ever think of working on one with a man. It wasn't long after that I abandoned God and my faith and replaced Him with a man. Over the years, there have been many men. With each, a possibility of finding that love that I've longed for. Instead, they've hurt me more than I could have ever imagined.

I've been told that I was nothing more than a hole.

There were times that I believed that.

Others may not have said the words but treated me the same.

So I've returned to church, to God, to faith. I've been hurt by men more times then any person should in one life time. I'm working on my relationship with God. Im learning to be the woman I wanted to be 8 years ago; a woman who loves Jesus more than anything else. He wont hurt me or let me down. He'll hold me up and carry me through the tough times. Im still praying for that husband that I've always longed for. But I understand now that I haven't been ready for him. I wouldn't have been the wife that he needed, whoever he is. I know he's out there, I can feel it in my soul. When Im lonely or when I think about all the choices I've made, I think of him and how worth it he will be. One day I'll find my husband (I've even started calling him that) but until then, Ill continue to work towards being the woman God wants me to be.

Mercy

Yesterday I committed to becoming a monthly sponsor of The Mercy House.



Its a new non-profit and for less than the cost of sponsoring a child, individuals can become involved in something so amazing and life-changing

Kristen is a beautiful woman of God who has become an inspiration for how I live, parent and see the world.

Please click that link

How did you spend your weekend?

I had planned to follow the last post with a post of all that we did this summer, but my plans were thrown off when Micah's cold turned into an asthma attack.

He started school last Wednesday with a runny nose, but nothing else. That night he was tired, but I wasn't worried. Starting school each fall always makes him tired; add the obvious cold and there ya go.

Thursday, I sent him off to school noticing that he wasn't much different from the day before. That night, I had an evening class and didn't get home until after all the kids were asleep. I did notice that Micah was wheezing a bit in his sleep so I woke him and made him take his regular inhaler, then went to bed.

Friday morning I could hear the cold in his chest so I started him on his steroid inhaler and sent him to school with instructions to stay inside, not participate in gym and to call home, if needed. I picked him up and noticed how tired he was, so when we got home he went straight to the couch to lie down.

We only have one vehicle so I left to pick up Jason (my brother was home) but was gone for a lot longer than usual. Jason had a few stops to make and traffic sucked, being a Friday. I was worried about Micah the whole time. I probably had an idea of how bad he was, but didn't pay attention to it. This kills me.

After refusing supper, Micah just kind of laid around acting sick. It wasn't until later that evening when he had fallen asleep on the couch that I noticed his breathing. It was horrible. His chest would go way in with each breath but he didn't seem to be getting much air. So I woke him and wrapped him in a blanket for the drive to the hospital. We arrived around 9:45 and by 3am we were admitted and transferred upstairs. This was after recieving 5 masks. Micah fell asleep soon after but was woken by his oxygen monitor which beeped whenever his oxygen dipped below 90. He ended up needing an oxygen mask for the entire night while he slept, plus masks of medicine every two hours.

Anyway, long story short, it took from Friday night until Monday morning for his breathing to get to an acceptable level. We left the hospital around noon Monday with three appointments to various doctors, two prescriptions and instructions to follow up with our family doctor.

Micah has only been admitted once before when he was four. Since then I thought I had learned how to control his asthma, but I guess I've gotten lazy. Its been so long since he was that bad that I just didnt pay as much attention as I should have. My mom thinks that Micah should be old enough to know when he needs help and to tell me but I still feel like I should have been able to prevent this. If I had only started the steroid earlier, if I had only kept him home from school, if I had just not gone to school Thursday night. There's always so much going on that sometimes I don't pay attention to what's really important.

Back to school!

Yesterday was our first day of school, though I know most of you went back weeks ago.

The day before, I didn't get out of bed until 9am; savouring every minute of my last summer morning. Bad idea. 6am came early yesterday and wow was I out of it all day. I had to take tylenol just to keep the sleep deprived headache away.

Moving on

The kids had mixed reactions. Like their mama, they didn't want to get out of bed. By the time they were dressed and came down to find their favorite breakfast, everyone seemed to be in a better mood. The breakfast by the way, was cheese eggs (scrambled eggs with shredded cheddar on top) and strawberries topped with whipped cream. Can't get much better than that!

We dropped the littles off with my SIL and drove to the school in good spirits. It wasn't until we were in sight of Noah's kindergarten classroom (from last year) that I realised he was having trouble with the transition. He didn't want to go in, didn't want to see his friends and didn't want to even say 'bonjour' to his old teacher!

After awhile he perked up and was able to let me leave. I secretly hung around though until his class made their way to their new classroom and teacher. I wanted to see where his room would be and who would be teaching him, as the former grade one teacher retired last year.

Meanwhile, I ran upstairs to check on Micah's class just in time to catch up briefly with another mom and walk with them to their new class. We were invited in for a few minutes to take pictures, but Micah wanted none of it. I was tempted to kiss him right there, but decided against it! Ha!

Both teachers seemed to be quite nice but fairly strict. I've mentioned before that my boys are in French immersion and so talking in English is discouraged. Personally, I didn't understand much of what Micah's teacher was saying to them but he seemed to. Noah's class gets everything told to them in French and then English so at least us parents had an idea of what was going on!

That night for another treat, I picked up a few things for an ice cream sundae bar. The kids had a blast!

Summer

This is how we spent our summer:

A day trip to a nature park

Owen Baking with Mama

A Blueberry Festival (with rides and games)

Drives (that's a horse sculpture up there)

Random treats

Walking to a local restaurant for breakfast

An extended family portrait

Roasting Marshmellows in our Backyard

Visiting with Nephews

Birthday Parties

More Baking with Mama

Ice Cream Cones

Visiting a Local Farm

Building a Lemonade Stand and Selling Lemonade

More Birthday Parties

Sleepovers with Cousins

Trips to the Park

Walks

BBQ

Of course I forgot our camera on many occasions (like the ferry ride to a local island), but all together I think we had a wonderful summer!

Please watch:

http://wearethatfamily.com/2010/08/coming-to-america/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+wearethatfamily%2FGaiB+%28We+are+THAT+Family%29&utm_content=Google+Reader