confessions

Its hard to write. It's hard to know what to say. Everything I think to write about seems trivial and just not worth the time it would take to write. I feel like if I write about something else, Im lying in a way. Not giving the whole truth.

It's been nagging at me.

My life has changed. I've changed. I shouldn't feel scared to speak freely in a space that I've created for just that reason. Two years ago when I started this blog, I expressed my desire to share without the worry of judgement. How did I share some of my darkest thoughts and shame filled experiences then and yet not be able to do it now? Why is it so hard to say that I've messed up, my life is a mess.

Jason and I broke up 8 months ago. I still occasionally mention him because we still live together. It's hard. If you remember, back in February, my grandfather passed away and I flew to Ontario to attend his funeral. When I returned, things weren't good and within a few days Jason had decided to leave.

At first I didn't want to except it. I cared for him but it was more than that. I didn't want to admit another failure in my life. We moved in together early because it was better for us financially. In the end, I exposed my children to another man who wouldn't be staying in their lives. A man whom they saw pour his energy drink over their mother's head and then hit her in the head with the can.*

Moving Jason in was a horrible decision for a mother to make. Did I do it because I truly believed we would be good? Or did I do it because I was lonely and tired of being the only person responsible for these four tiny beings? In my heart I know which one it was.

So we broke up. I didn't want to. I was scared to face being a single mom again, scared to be alone, scared to be judged. As time went on, Jason stayed. He couldn't afford to move out and pay his share of the expenses while still living here. We didn't get back together, but at times I thought we would. I wanted to.

The incident in with the energy drink happend in May. By then I was praying for God to give me the strength to let Jason leave. To take away any feelings I still had for him. Maybe that was the moment that it happend.

A month later I joined a church. I haven't attended church since I met The Ex, 8 years ago. I was scared of going into something I didn't know anything about anymore. Scared of being judged and treated like I didn't belong. And at times I have felt that way, but overall it's been good.

Years ago when Micah was just a baby, I prayed for a Daddy for him. God responded by telling me that it wasn't time, that I had to work on my relationship with Him before I could ever think of working on one with a man. It wasn't long after that I abandoned God and my faith and replaced Him with a man. Over the years, there have been many men. With each, a possibility of finding that love that I've longed for. Instead, they've hurt me more than I could have ever imagined.

I've been told that I was nothing more than a hole.

There were times that I believed that.

Others may not have said the words but treated me the same.

So I've returned to church, to God, to faith. I've been hurt by men more times then any person should in one life time. I'm working on my relationship with God. Im learning to be the woman I wanted to be 8 years ago; a woman who loves Jesus more than anything else. He wont hurt me or let me down. He'll hold me up and carry me through the tough times. Im still praying for that husband that I've always longed for. But I understand now that I haven't been ready for him. I wouldn't have been the wife that he needed, whoever he is. I know he's out there, I can feel it in my soul. When Im lonely or when I think about all the choices I've made, I think of him and how worth it he will be. One day I'll find my husband (I've even started calling him that) but until then, Ill continue to work towards being the woman God wants me to be.