Morning Thoughts

I've noticed an anger in myself lately that is most likely caused by the recent changes in our lives. Im snapping at the kids more and just feeling annoyed by every little thing. I don't think it has anything to do with holiday stress, but maybe just the fact that Im alone at Christmas has something to do with it. Without a partner I've had extra time to get things done and so my cards are mailed, gifts bought and wrapped, parties/concerts/etc have been hosted and attended, house is decorated and baking is done. I want to clean my house a little more and buy a fruit tray to add to our Christmas morning breakfast, but those are simple and quick, not stress-inducing.

As is normal with mothering, Ive been experiencing a lot of guilt, right along with the anger. Ive laid in bed the past couple of nights rethinking situations and how I could have handled them better. Just as my mother was, Im very conscious of how my mothering may effect my children as they grow. My daily mistakes could add up to my boys becoming men and scheduling a weekly meeting with a therapist! Ok, I don't actually believe that, but at 1am it's easy to go there.

I don't really have any answers to how Im feeling or what to do about my parenting mistakes. Being aware of my short comings and being willing to change them has always been a part of how I mother, and maybe that's all I can do. Reflect, pray and talk about it. In the mean time, Im forcing myself to be a little more patient, even though I really don't feel it. Im focusing on loving my boys and nephews (whom I look after 40 hours/week) instead of getting them to all get along and act like I want them to. We're doing more activities each day and when one of them talks to me, Im making sure to stop what Im doing and listen/help/follow/whatever it is they need of me. Because when I evaluate my life and what I want from it, nothing is more important than those boys.