I'll be back...

So for awhile this blog has been a little off. I started it to document the kids lives and as a place to vent. I was going through some things and needed a non-biased place to discuss what was going on inside my head. Now, all of that is over and it's been months since I really discussed anything to do with the kids. As much as I love the community that I was starting to feel a part of and as often as Im online reading blogs, I've lost the desire to write here. I think it is mostly because I don't know what to write. Or what to write about. I think I need to redefine what I want to use this space for and come back in January with a fresh start. So to anyone who may still be around reading this, I'll be back in about a month with plenty to say.

The one where I ramble a lot and complain about how busy my life is

Things have just been so crazy around here, I barely have a minute to think. Im actually forgetting all sorts of commitments and errands that need to be run. It's madness.

We moved into our new home Sunday officially but were bringing things over since last Monday. The house was in great condition so I didn't have to do much cleaning and that really helped. I did start painting the upstairs bathroom, thinking I would have time to get it finished before we moved in. But that didn't happen. I've done three coats and it needs another one. Then I have to unpack the whole thing. Who knew one family could have four boxes of bathroom stuff? I have no idea how we fit it all in the smaller bathroom in the last house. Sheesh.

Then there was my mother's long-awaited visit. I haven't seen her since last December so I was really looking forward to it. She arrived Tuesday just after four in the afternoon and stayed with me until Yesterday until around two. Less than two days with her just didn't feel like enough but I know I have to share her. From my place, she went to stay with my Aunt for a night, then with Ross and Melissa for a night, then two nights with my other brother, before flying out in the wee hours of Monday morning. Its a tight schedule so I understand, but it was still hard.

We were able to get in some shopping alone together and I don't think I've ever had as much fun. We went for a coffee without the kids, grocery shopping with my younger brother (who just started University and is now living with me), and a career fair, of all places. It was a busy couple of days.

By yesterday I should have heard from my old landlord about getting our deposit back, but instead he hadn't responded to any of my emails in over a week. I was getting really nervous and sent him a final (and somewhat threatening) email about my lease term being up and his responsibility to schedule an inspection. He then calls from his cell phone within an hour to make an appointment for last night. I was already swamped* and hated to take the time then, but wanted it done.

When we actually did the inspection, he pointed out the most ridiculous things and said that I could either re-clean the place or loose my $675 to pay for cleaners. I couldn't believe it. Jason and I spent hours going over that house and he found every little mark on the wall or bit of dust he could. In the kitchen he even checked on top of the cabinets for dust. I was just in shock most of the time and couldn't wait to get out of there. So now I have to go back today somehow with the four kids to fix everything on his list. And the worst part of all of it, is that he may not even give it back when Im done that! I've had to bring a landlord to court before and I will do it again, but it's just annoying.

*Im not sure if I've mentioned this on here, but Rayden and I have started a very large paper route. He wants to go to Florida, like so many of his classmates do every year and because I just can't afford that, we made a plan. If we deliver these papers for a year, we will have saved $5000 and can use that towards any trip we choose. If we continue to deliver them each year, then we can continue to pick a vacation each year and sometimes maybe a couple of smaller ones. The only problem is that it's 460 flyers and both last week and this week, they were really late getting to us, causing our whole schedule to go out of whack. If it's just Rayden and I, we can do the whole lot in about six hours and for $100, that's not bad. It's one day a week in exchange for a vacation every year. I think it's a win for everyone involved, but just a little annoying when there are so many other things going on.

And to top this whole week of madness off, one of my brothers had a cat that caused his allergies to go crazy. He put up with her for so long but in the end decided that she was too much and asked me to take her. Now, I have a cat myself and Jason has two. Adding another cat into the mix seems like a bit too much if you ask me, but I couldn't say no. If I didn't take her, then she would have ended up at the humane society for a little visit and if no one adopted her, she would be destroyed. That was too much to bare and so I took her in. We now have four cats, four kids and three adults in this house; so much for getting some extra room!

Now here it is Friday morning and Im looking forward to the weekend. We have another 230 flyers to deliver today and swimming lessons both today and tomorrow, but then the kids go with their dad for a night and I get to see my mom again at a BBQ. It's going to be a quiet weekend of Jason and I getting our new home in order. Except. Jason's mom just called and she is on her way in for the weekend!!! We knew that she might come out Saturday with her man, but we didn't think she would be staying with us. Apparently that's not the plan though. So there goes my relaxing weekend as now I have to spend the next three hours before they arrive, getting as much unpacked as I can. The blankets and sheets that my mom had for the pull-out couch haven't even been washed yet and I can't find any pants for the two year old.

Wish me luck!

tired

Man, I just don't even know what to say. There has been so much going on and so much to talk about but I never feel like doing the actual writing of this blog lately. Im all blah I guess. Seems to be a theme sometimes around here.

We move this coming Sunday. I am in love with my house, it is the nicest place that either Jason or I have ever lived in. Im beyond excited! We went there yesterday to get the key and while everyone else was inside, Jason and I were in the back garden talking about how this house feels too nice for us. It seems like a dream. Its a strange feeling, really. We don't own the house and are in fact just renting, but it feels like ours. We can stay there for the next five to seven years if we choose, and we are allowed to do whatever work we feel like doing in terms of upkeep. Jason is excited to paint the decks and fix the crown molding in the bathroom. Im excited to pick my own damn paint colors (which I already have, more on that later) and tend to my own gardens. It'll be amazing.

Before then though, we have a lot of work to do. I've bought paint for a couple of the rooms and Id like to get that on the walls before we move in. But we also have a lot of work to do around our current house before we meet the landlord for the final inspection. We've repaired the damage to the walls but we still have to paint over those spots. The carpet has a few stains that need an industrial steam cleaner (my job for today), one of the blinds in a bedroom has been broken and the new one has to be installed, the fridge/stove top/dishwasher have to be cleaned and I have to go over all of the walls with a magic eraser. Im tired just thinking about it and the fact that I want to spend every moment in the new house now, makes it all the harder. But Im happy in the direction that our lives are going so I don't mind putting in the hard work to get there.

All in all, Im happy and excited, but also tired. Hopefully I'll get around to posting a bit more in the next week before I loose internet for a couple of days.

the planning begins

I've decided to do a lot of hand-made crafts this year for Christmas. Im not so sure I'll be able to pull that off for the boys but most of the extended family will be getting baskets filled with various hand made things. I've found a few really cute ideas that I can't wait to put together but I need a lot more. Im not super into crafty things, although I do enjoy paper crafts. So, um...HELP!

I know it's only September (almost), but you really have to be organised for this stuff. I will be doing my Christmas shopping for the kids and everyone else right after the move in early October, so I need a list of all supplies soon.

Example:
Yesterday Swistle mentioned the homemade vanilla extract and I fell in love with those cute little bottles. I know that Im going to include those in the baskets but I'd like to do a trial run first and they take a month.

Does anybody have any ideas? There are people of all ages, men and women and even dogs and cats that I can include things for. Any ideas or websites would be super helpful.

********only 116 days to go**********

That makes me a little sick too. Yikes!

decisions, decisions

I've decided not to take the trip. At the moment, I just cant spend the money on something like that knowing that I have so many expenses. The cost of the trip is close to the same amount of all the extra-curriculars that kids want to take this fall. And when I think about it, I would love to spend those few days with my friend and visiting my family, but I would feel guilty if the kids couldn't take swimming or guitar lessons.

Maybe if I get a decent-paying job, I'll go to Ontario with a kid or two next year. I know that Rayden and I have talked about all the fun things there are to do there and maybe that is the better idea. We'll see.

The other decision I've made is to get an evening job while I wait for something better and in my field. I haven't wanted to go this route because with paying for child care, I would need to make about 35 000 just to pay my share of the bills. Take off that child care and its more like 22 000. So if I take something that doesn't pay well but is easy to do and I can tolerate, then I think that is the best route for now. At least it will allow us to remove some of the financial stress and give me some time away from everyone. If I can find something where I work maybe 4/5pm to 12/1am, five days a week, I think it would be perfect for now. I could still be with the children during the day and have time to work on homework with them, while making supper. Then I can leave them with Jason for the evening/bedtime routine and be home early enough that Im not exhausted the next day. Now I mean I would be tired, but I might be able to work in a nap or two through out the week.

So that's the plan. Any advice or thoughts ladies?

What should I do?

Amanda moved out of province almost five years ago to be closer to her family. Last week she came back for a visit and made the quick decision to move back here to NL. Apparently this will happen in less than a month. Im pretty used to the spur of the moment decisions of Amanda, but this one caught me off guard. I'll actually have a good friend in town, something I've been lacking for a couple of years.

The best part of all of it is that Amanda has asked me to make the drive with her. The plan would be for me to fly to Ontario Thursday night and then spend Friday through Sunday driving east. I was immediately excited but now Im doubtful. The whole thing would cost me about $500 and with everything else right now (moving/back to school/Christmas/not working) Im not sure if that would be a wise idea. I feel like I really need the break and getting away for three days with a good friend to just recharge might be what I need.

The other perk of taking her up on her offer is that I would get a night back home. I've been in NL for 8 years and only visited home once. Ontario is still my home and probably always will be but I think Im bound to NL. My grandfather is 88 and may not be around much longer so a visit with him would mean a lot to me, not to mention all of my child hood friends that I would like to see again. The last time I was home, the whole facebook craze hadn't quite caught on yet so I didn't have contact with so many people.

Sigh. I'd love to go and do this but Im really not sure. Part of me wants to just book the ticket and part of me is saying no. What do you think?

sons and daughters

“But boys are so much easier!” They told me, “Why would you want a girl? It’s all drama, drama drama...” And so the conversations would go. Every time I mentioned my desire to have a girl, almost every mother in the room felt the need to fill me in on how lucky I was that mine turned out to be boys. I couldn’t argue with them, I am lucky to have four wonderful, healthy boys. But that shouldn’t negate my desire to raise a daughter.

Boys and girls are different, just as one child is different from the next. All four of my boys have different personalities and dispositions that have nothing to do with their gender. My oldest is thoughtful, skilled in spatial thinking and hyper. My second son would rather play video games then eat and is as cuddly as a teddy bear. My only niece is a rambunctious two year old that loves to dance and has a firey temper. None of these personalities are tied to the gender of the child that owns them. Just imagine the description of my niece’s personality, had I said she was a boy. It wouldn’t make a difference, would it? Any child could be rambunctious, love to dance and have a temper.

So why do we hold on to this stereotype that girls as a group, are harder to parent? Why do we think that our sons will love their mothers deeper than our daughters will? Parenting and raising children is so much more than the everyday struggles that those flawed arguments focus on.
My longing to raise a daughter has nothing to do with the frilly dresses or pink barrettes (though they are adorable!). I want to be the mother of a girl because I want to raise a woman. I want to teach her everything that I was taught and everything that I wish I had been taught. I want to give her confidence and teach her humility; show her her worth and teach her to love; embrace her sexuality and teach her not to be ashamed; give her the tools to become anything that she wants to be and the courage to find her path.

I want to be the mother of a daughter so that I can be a part of that mother line. We come from our mothers and we live on through our daughters. We connect through our shared experience of being female and being mothers. As women we share a special strength and I believe that the relationship between mothers and daughters is an expression of that strength.

I am a mother, and I am lucky to be one. In time, I may be granted the honour of raising a daughter or I might not. If that is the case then I will continue to raise my sons to be the best men that they can be and through them my granddaughters will come. If I teach those same skills of worth, love, confidence and courage to my sons, they will pass those on to their daughters.

I may not be a part of the mother line, in the way that I had always hoped I would be. But with my sons, I am still a mother and I have the same job to do.