a house guest and a birthday

Some of you may have gathered that my boyfriend, Jason has moved in with me. This only became official as of this month but he has been here more often than not for the past month or two. I know it's fast, but it works for us. His lease was up but mine continues until September 30, so it made sense for him to move in with me instead of looking for a place for a few months or breaking a lease down the road.

But Jason moving in came with its own set of issues. The biggest one was his sister's visit to the province scheduled for the day he was to officially move in. We had been moving his stuff over for awhile, so that wasn't a huge problem; but it was still crappy timing. Having never met her before, I was optimistic that things would go over well and we would end up having a nice week, regardless of all the warnings I received. Sadly, I was wrong.

Wednesday started off with Jason and I cleaning like mad because I wasn't able to do anything in the days leading up to Anna's visit. I spent so much time at Jason's apartment on Monday and Tuesday that our house went to hell, especially with all the extra boxes and STUFF we had to incorporate. So that had me stressed. When it came time to pick her up from the airport, Jason asked if I would go in his place because his GPS had been stolen out of his truck and he didn't know how to get there. Great! I don't know this woman and here I am having to pick her up from the airport. Yay me!

When I finally locate her and get her into the truck, she immediately lights up a cigarette. I had been warned that she would probably want one after her 8 hour flight, but I didn't realise she would be rude enough to actually have one in the truck. So that was an awkward drive back through the city to my house, which also took an extra 10 minutes or so because of all the Canada Day road closures.

Thursday and Friday were a true test of my patience while Anna and I were forced to spend most of both days together, in the house. Jason was working and I happened to have a lot of things to do around the house. I was able to get out for two hours Friday afternoon for a work meeting, but by Friday night, I was spent. I ended up just leaving and driving around the city at 10:30, just to get away for awhile.

It isn't that Anna is a bad person, or even a mean person. She tries to be nice and she certainly wants to be friendly and get along. The problem is that she doesn't really understand when enough is enough. There were actually about 10 hours on Friday where I was forced to listen to her tell me the same things over and over again. She literally did not stop talking the entire time we were together. Our personalities wouldn't normally mix anyway, but that much time with anyone is just too much to ask of a person.

So Im here now recuperating. She left yesterday and wont be back again until next week for a night, before she catches her flight home. I doubt Ill have any trouble then because Ill have had a great break and her mom will also be here, who I actually get along with.

All in all it was a stressful week and Im looking forward to the one ahead. I started my seminar today and Josiah's first birthday is on Thursday. We aren't doing too much for it but I hope to do his first hair cut and possibly some family pictures. I think it'll be fun, and I'll be sure to post lots of pictures.

Happy Monday everyone!

Summer

I love summer. The only downside is that we're usually so busy that it's hard to find time for things that we do during the rest of the year. I've only been to the gym twice in the last 2 weeks, for example. Kinda sucky.

This past weekend, Jason and I drove four hours to his hometown to attend a wedding, sans kids. We couldn't leave early enough to make the ceremony but it worked out anyway because we needed a break after the drive and it gave us a chance to visit a few friends and relatives of his. My little brother watched the kids for the day Saturday until they went with The Ex late Saturday afternoon. Josiah came with us and Jason's mom watched him for most of the time that we were there so it was a really nice break for us. The reception was really fun, even though most of the people there were at least 20 years older than us. The only few that were younger were actually involved in the bridal party so we spent a lot of time just the two of us.

We slept for four hours Saturday night and left before noon to make it back to the city in time for the kids to be dropped off. I was exhausted and had to have Jason drive for the last hour after we stopped for lunch. But we made it back right on time and hung out with the kids for a few minutes before Rayden and I left for a birthday party. Then came a few errands and before you know it we were putting the kids to bed and enjoying a relaxing visit with one of my brothers.

After all of that, I wasn't ready to hear the alarm this morning. But that was until I remembered that it's SUMMER and I didn't actually have to get up. Most of the kids were still sleeping and it was only Jason that had to get up to go to work. So that was a nice little treat this morning. I still have a disaster of a house to clean up, grocery shopping to do, piles of laundry to wash and so many errands to run today and tomorrow before Jason's sister comes to stay with us for a few days. Busy, busy, busy...

Next week I start a three week session designed to help its participants find a job in their field. It's an intensive skills-training/networking course and Im really exciting to start. The job search has been going on for long enough and this feels like Im taking a more active approach. Child care is paid for and they even pay for the gas in my car to get back and forth. What more could I ask for? Their success rate is 75% and with my education and skills Im certainly ahead of the game. So fingers crossed that this works and I come out of it with a job for August!

So this week could potentially be my only bit of vacation this summer and I've certainly come up with a lot of ideas for things to do. The only problem is that there is just no time to do any of them. Seriously its almost 11am and by about 2 this afternoon I have to have as much of my housework done as I can so that I can get all of my errands done in time to bring the kids to the beach for an hour before supper. Then tonight we're cutting the grass and moving the last of Jason's things out of his apartment. Tomorrow is the rest of the cleaning of the house, a bunch of baking/cooking for Jason's sister's visit, cleaning Jason's apartment and grocery shopping. Wednesday is a holiday and Im leaving it open because Nicole gets here that day and Im not sure what her plans will be. Then Thursday I've got a work meeting, a bunch of phone calls/office-type things to do and a few meetings with prospective babysitters for Josiah. I don't even remember what Im doing Friday, but the weekend includes a yard sale and a trip to the nature park. Combine all of that with visiting family and all of the kids home from school and its a little nuts around here.

I hope all of you are having fantastic summers so far! Regardless of how busy we all get, I still think this is the most fun, most relaxing and most enjoyable time of year.

So I deleted my post from yesterday. Mostly because I realised that it was written from a place of hurt and anger and really none of you needed to read it. In it though I mentioned how I was feeling towards Melissa and she feels that I painted her in the wrong light. My rant was not about her and I don't think that I said anything about who Melissa is or what kind of person she was. I only said to her that I was hurt and upset by her actions, along with those of my other SIL. I purposefully left the specifics about Melissa and I out of it so as not to cause trouble within the blogging circle that we find ourselves. She however now feels that she needs to delete her blog because she didn't have the chance to explain. That is really too bad and not what I meant to have happen. But it is her choice and I will not interfere. This is my blog, just as both of my SILs had their own blogs, and we can write in them how we feel. I stand by words as I feel that I was entitled to them after all that happened. Im just sorry that Melissa feels that she must remove herself from blogging as a result.

2.5 weeks in

It could be the gorgeous weather we've been having.

It could be the new routine we've developed.

It could be the chemical response to all of the exercise I've been doing.

It could be the amazing boyfriend and supportive family that I have.

Or it could be none of these things. Whatever the reason, my depression seems to have subsided for the last few weeks. I am a procrastinator by nature and so even though I mostly agreed with all of you that I should at least speak to a doctor about medication, I kept putting it off. Instead I've just been focusing on getting healthier and loosing weight. Personally, I think that's what has helped me the most.

I joined the Y 17 days ago and since then I have been 15 times. I can already tell the difference in my endurance and strength. It's amazing! I do a ball fit class each week and another class using the bosu ball. Both can be pretty challenging, and I like them because they let me focus on toning and strength. The rest of the week, I pretty much just do cardio either on the elliptical, treadmill or bike.

There is a 90 minute time limit on the child minding service so once I drop the kids off, I change my shoes quickly and get at it because my minimum goal each day is to burn 500 calories and depending on what Im doing, I usually need at least an hour. The elliptical is great for burning calories fast but I don't really feel like its engaging many muscles. Sometimes I try to sit back with my arms stationary and just use my feet because then I can at least feel it in my butt and thighs.

I want to start the C25K program but Im a little self conscious about running on a treadmill around a bunch of other people. There are a few others that are larger like me, but most of the people that I've seen are quite fit. I don't mind it so much with anything else that I do there, but Im worried that if I set the speed so that Im jogging, I'll end up having to jump off or quit after a few seconds and look like a tool. I know its silly because I can walk pretty fast on it with a decent incline and that doesn't even raise my heart rate above about 70%. When I'm on the elliptical my heart rate stays above 80% for the full half hour and Im fine. I don't know. My head tells me I would be OK but my social anxiety keeps kicking in and I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe if I give myself a definite goal and day to start. Like maybe next Monday? We'll see.

So I'm doing well. Michael loves going every morning so even on those days where I don't feel like it, I still end up going because he wants to go so badly. Even when I don't have the kids, I seem to have the motivation to keep going, which is refreshing. On Sunday I put Josiah in the stroller and we went for a two hour walk with some pretty challenging hills. By the time I got home, I had walked 7 kms and we only came home because Josiah was fussy and wanted to nap. Next time I'm going to try for 10kms. Um....wow, I never thought I'd be excited to try to walk 10kms for the hell of it!

Me after a work out:

directing your attention

So I've got some things that I want to write about but until I actually get around to doing anything about it, Im going to leave you with this:

Tara at the brain is having a giant, super-fun, internet present swapping thing...um, just go check it out for yourself!

Where I've been

So technically I haven't gone anywhere. I've still been reading all of you regularly and I've been visiting my own blog daily. I just wasn't posting. The only reason that I can come up with for my lack of interest in this blog is that I've been dealing with depression a lot lately. Now that's not official, I haven't been to a doctor or anything, but I think it's pretty safe to say that's what it is.

My mom is working on her PhD in psychology at the moment and is the only mental health professional in her community and she suggested that I talk with someone about medication. I have always been against medication for myself, although I've never had a problem with others taking it. Looking back though, this is a problem that has been with me for the last few years at least and something that I don't want to continue. I want to be happy and live a normal life. I just don't know how to make that happen. The idea of taking some sort of medication to make my problems seem less shitty just seems like the wrong answer. I don't know.

I keep thinking that once I get a job things will be better. Problem is that its now May and I gave myself until June to find a new full-time position. I start working back on my project again in a couple weeks but that will be over next month. After that my involvement will be very little and wont even be enough to pay a single bill. So definitely need a job soon. My bills are starting to catch up with me and there are times when I cant even make the minimum payment on all of them and still eat. I've had to resort to taking help from my parents again and I always hate doing that. Something will come up though, it just has to.

So that's why I haven't been writing.

I finally joined the Y yesterday and we went this morning for the first time. Im now exhausted but we had a lot of fun. I got to spend 40 minutes on the treadmill, play with the baby a little and bring Michael into the gym area where they had a huge bouncy castle and a bunch of scooters/balls/slides set up. That was the best part; I actually got to have some one-on-one time with Michael who doesn't ever really get that. Every morning he watches his older brothers go off to "school" and he always wants to join them. So today I had him pack his very own little back pack and I told him he was going to his own school. The child minding area there is close enough to a school for him to feel as grown up as his brothers, I think.

The worst part of the last few months is that I have gained an obscene amount of weight. Last October I weighed in at my smallest weight of 161. By the beginning of January I was up to 175. I was able to loose 3lbs within the first couple weeks of the year, only to gain them back by March. Now in the last two months, I have gained an additional 16lbs bringing me to a whopping 191. I know a huge part of that is giving up breast feeding, which not only causes hormonal issues, but I also now need less calories each day. So the gym is a big deal for me in a lot of ways.

I get to work out and try to loose some of this nasty fat

I get up to an hour and a half of alone time every time I go. I don't have to schedule the kids attendance in the child minding either so as long as its during their operating hours, I can drop the kids and go.

I have access to a bunch of interesting a fun classes (belly dancing, anyone?)

The kids get to interact with other children instead of fighting with each other at home

They also have access to a variety of classes and parent/child activities

Every Saturday and Sunday I can bring the older kids to the bouncy castle thing for an hour while I socialize with the other parents

I think this will be really good for us and who knows, it might just be what I need to get out of this funk.

ok so it wasn't Michael...

but I think Rayden did a fine job randomly generating the number 5!

Which means our winner is Erin of Mama Said No!

Yipee!

Erin, I'll be sending off an email to you in a minute, but if you don't get it or something freaky happens, then just send me a quick email with your address.