Monday, August 31, 2009

the planning begins

I've decided to do a lot of hand-made crafts this year for Christmas. Im not so sure I'll be able to pull that off for the boys but most of the extended family will be getting baskets filled with various hand made things. I've found a few really cute ideas that I can't wait to put together but I need a lot more. Im not super into crafty things, although I do enjoy paper crafts. So, um...HELP!

I know it's only September (almost), but you really have to be organised for this stuff. I will be doing my Christmas shopping for the kids and everyone else right after the move in early October, so I need a list of all supplies soon.

Yesterday Swistle mentioned the homemade vanilla extract and I fell in love with those cute little bottles. I know that Im going to include those in the baskets but I'd like to do a trial run first and they take a month.

Does anybody have any ideas? There are people of all ages, men and women and even dogs and cats that I can include things for. Any ideas or websites would be super helpful.

********only 116 days to go**********

That makes me a little sick too. Yikes!

Monday, August 24, 2009

decisions, decisions

I've decided not to take the trip. At the moment, I just cant spend the money on something like that knowing that I have so many expenses. The cost of the trip is close to the same amount of all the extra-curriculars that kids want to take this fall. And when I think about it, I would love to spend those few days with my friend and visiting my family, but I would feel guilty if the kids couldn't take swimming or guitar lessons.

Maybe if I get a decent-paying job, I'll go to Ontario with a kid or two next year. I know that Rayden and I have talked about all the fun things there are to do there and maybe that is the better idea. We'll see.

The other decision I've made is to get an evening job while I wait for something better and in my field. I haven't wanted to go this route because with paying for child care, I would need to make about 35 000 just to pay my share of the bills. Take off that child care and its more like 22 000. So if I take something that doesn't pay well but is easy to do and I can tolerate, then I think that is the best route for now. At least it will allow us to remove some of the financial stress and give me some time away from everyone. If I can find something where I work maybe 4/5pm to 12/1am, five days a week, I think it would be perfect for now. I could still be with the children during the day and have time to work on homework with them, while making supper. Then I can leave them with Jason for the evening/bedtime routine and be home early enough that Im not exhausted the next day. Now I mean I would be tired, but I might be able to work in a nap or two through out the week.

So that's the plan. Any advice or thoughts ladies?

Friday, August 21, 2009

What should I do?

Amanda moved out of province almost five years ago to be closer to her family. Last week she came back for a visit and made the quick decision to move back here to NL. Apparently this will happen in less than a month. Im pretty used to the spur of the moment decisions of Amanda, but this one caught me off guard. I'll actually have a good friend in town, something I've been lacking for a couple of years.

The best part of all of it is that Amanda has asked me to make the drive with her. The plan would be for me to fly to Ontario Thursday night and then spend Friday through Sunday driving east. I was immediately excited but now Im doubtful. The whole thing would cost me about $500 and with everything else right now (moving/back to school/Christmas/not working) Im not sure if that would be a wise idea. I feel like I really need the break and getting away for three days with a good friend to just recharge might be what I need.

The other perk of taking her up on her offer is that I would get a night back home. I've been in NL for 8 years and only visited home once. Ontario is still my home and probably always will be but I think Im bound to NL. My grandfather is 88 and may not be around much longer so a visit with him would mean a lot to me, not to mention all of my child hood friends that I would like to see again. The last time I was home, the whole facebook craze hadn't quite caught on yet so I didn't have contact with so many people.

Sigh. I'd love to go and do this but Im really not sure. Part of me wants to just book the ticket and part of me is saying no. What do you think?

Sunday, August 16, 2009

sons and daughters

“But boys are so much easier!” They told me, “Why would you want a girl? It’s all drama, drama drama...” And so the conversations would go. Every time I mentioned my desire to have a girl, almost every mother in the room felt the need to fill me in on how lucky I was that mine turned out to be boys. I couldn’t argue with them, I am lucky to have four wonderful, healthy boys. But that shouldn’t negate my desire to raise a daughter.

Boys and girls are different, just as one child is different from the next. All four of my boys have different personalities and dispositions that have nothing to do with their gender. My oldest is thoughtful, skilled in spatial thinking and hyper. My second son would rather play video games then eat and is as cuddly as a teddy bear. My only niece is a rambunctious two year old that loves to dance and has a firey temper. None of these personalities are tied to the gender of the child that owns them. Just imagine the description of my niece’s personality, had I said she was a boy. It wouldn’t make a difference, would it? Any child could be rambunctious, love to dance and have a temper.

So why do we hold on to this stereotype that girls as a group, are harder to parent? Why do we think that our sons will love their mothers deeper than our daughters will? Parenting and raising children is so much more than the everyday struggles that those flawed arguments focus on.
My longing to raise a daughter has nothing to do with the frilly dresses or pink barrettes (though they are adorable!). I want to be the mother of a girl because I want to raise a woman. I want to teach her everything that I was taught and everything that I wish I had been taught. I want to give her confidence and teach her humility; show her her worth and teach her to love; embrace her sexuality and teach her not to be ashamed; give her the tools to become anything that she wants to be and the courage to find her path.

I want to be the mother of a daughter so that I can be a part of that mother line. We come from our mothers and we live on through our daughters. We connect through our shared experience of being female and being mothers. As women we share a special strength and I believe that the relationship between mothers and daughters is an expression of that strength.

I am a mother, and I am lucky to be one. In time, I may be granted the honour of raising a daughter or I might not. If that is the case then I will continue to raise my sons to be the best men that they can be and through them my granddaughters will come. If I teach those same skills of worth, love, confidence and courage to my sons, they will pass those on to their daughters.

I may not be a part of the mother line, in the way that I had always hoped I would be. But with my sons, I am still a mother and I have the same job to do.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

more blahness

It's been two full weeks now but it feels like an eternity. except for a few times when I lost my balance, I haven't put any weight on my right foot since I hurt it. Which means no driving, walking or standing. Basically I either crawl or hop around the house and the two times that I had to go out were nightmares with the crutches. It royally sucks.

I am fully aware that the summer is passing me by. Where I live, you have to take full advantage of the nice days because they will be gone very soon. In fact, we had planned to go camping this weekend and my biggest concern was the weather. Now Im stuck home with a foot that I cant use and it's absolutely gorgeous outside.

The kids have been suffering too. I've let them play outside a little but mostly Im afraid that something will happen and I wont be able to get to them on time. There are no windows where I can sit with my leg up and keep an eye on them either. It's just frustrating. School starts again in three weeks and I may be going back to work full time around then as well. I need this foot to heal but damn it, I have no idea when that will be.

When I was in emerg the second time, the doctor went back and forth as to whether or not to put a cast on my ankle. She knew there was a crack in one of the bones but I had already gone 6 days without a cast and there was no change. From that I got the impression that it wasn't that bad. In the end she decided to cast it and told me that I would hear Monday when I needed to come back to see the orthopedic doctor. He could then decide if I needed a cast or not. So when I got home that night and there was a big crack in the cast as well as a large area that didn't set properly, I thought the whole thing foolish. But then the pain set in. I've never had a cast before but I didn't think they were supposed to be painful. If I didn't keep my leg completely straight, the cast would shift and put pressure on all the wrong areas. Before long, I cut that damn thing off.

But now Im wondering. I didn't hear about my appointment until Thursday and now Im forced to go in on Monday, the day that I have an interview on. I don't know if taking the cast off was the right thing to do, but I don't think I could have made it 10 days with that thing anyway. All I want is an idea of how long this is going to take to heal and instructions on how to make that happen. I need to know if the small stretches that I've been doing to keep it loose are OK or if a little weight on it would break it worse. I have absolutely no idea. If the first doctor that I saw hadn't decided to send my x-ray to the radiologist as an after-thought, I would never have known of the break and I would have been putting weight on it now.

Im at the point now where Im considering having someone come in to clean the house. Jason can do some things but his idea of clean is well below mine so I am continually frustrated with the state of the house. My bathroom hasn't been cleaned since the day before I hurt my ankle, that's 15 days people! Jason will spend a couple of hours doing a few things around here every day or two but what takes him an hour, I could do in 15 minutes. He talks about it never ending and all I can think is well, duh! We've been very, very low on food lately and so I have to send Jason out to pick things up every night for supper. The thing is, he spends way too much money on a single meal and never picks up anything else. I even went through the effort to compile a complete list of everything we need, including brands, sizes and prices. Then I set it on the desk with my points cards for the various stores and waited for him to come home from work so that he could go get the stuff. But then the man decided to stop by the grocery store on his way home and spend another $40 on a single meal to save him the effort of going out again, even though I TOLD HIM that I needed him to do a full grocery shop that night.

Don't even get me started on all the errands that I have to run. I cant leave it to him either. I have a cheque sitting here that needs to be deposited into my account but he keeps forgetting to do it and I cant even find another way because he hasn't remembered to give me back my bank card from two weeks ago! I have a bunch of things I need to mail and I have to do the kids' back to school clothes shopping this week.

If only I knew how long I had to stay off my ankle. If it's one more week, then I can deal. I can plan everything for the following week and I can make a reservation at one of the camp grounds for another weekend. We aren't doing any other vacations this year so camping was supposed to be our treat. I can plan out my packing schedule and start buying the few things we'll need for the new house. I can actually envision my house being CLEAN again, and to my standards! We could go to the beach a few more times and check out a few playgrounds. I could show the kids the new house and community we'll be living in.

In the mean time though, Im left to sit here and fret about maybe having to stay like this for another month or two. Then that brings all the worries about how I'd get the kids to school or actually get my house all packed up and cleaned. We have a few repairs around here that need to be done before we leave and a few things that need to be replaced and if I leave it all to Jason, we just wont get it all done. Sitting around and thinking about all of these things is crap for my anxious, obsessive personality and Im sure Im driving everyone nuts.

Until I see the orthopedic doctor on Monday, Im going to continue to make my lists and browse decorating web sites for the new house. I pretty much have everything decided already but maybe there's something I haven't seen yet but would just love. All I know is that I have to keep busy with other things or Ill go insane waiting to walk again.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

this is the result of two weeks on the couch...

I haven't given in to the twitter hype yet but those of you who are friends on facebook would already know that we are moving next month. I got the email last night from the woman who we will be renting from confirming that we are the chosen tenants and to call her with a time to sign the paperwork. We are so excited! This house is absolutely gorgeous and in a very family-friendly neighborhood. The owners are going to be out of the province for at least five years so the plan is to stay in the house until they come back and hopefully have the money by that point to buy our own.

There are so many great things about this move that my mind keeps bouncing back between them all. First, there are four bedrooms instead of the three that we have now. Josiah has been sharing with us up until now but we've been thinking that he needs his own room. He still wakes up once or twice each night and we're hoping that by giving him his own space, he'll give up that little annoyance. Rayden will have his own room, as he does now, but it will be on it's own floor. He is really excited about that.

The yard is beautifully landscaped with a deck and workshop for Jason. We wanted to get a small pool but Im not sure there will be room for one because so much of the yard is done in flowers and such. But all the kids on the street make up for it and Im sure the boys will be back and forth between each other's houses anyway.

The one down side to the move is that even though it's only about 15 minutes from where we live now, it is actually in another city, which brings all sorts of problems with it. There will be new by-laws to learn and we'll have to figure out a new Y, swimming pool, parks, grocery store, schools. We are actually fairly close to a large shopping area so I know I wont have trouble with most of our daily needs, but there is still a fair amount of anxiety over it all. The Y that we go to now is on the far side of the city we currently live in so if we were to continue to go to that one, it would be a 30-45 minute drive. I know that there is one in our new city but I think it's actually spread out through-out the city. The pool is separate from the gym and the children's programs are separate still. Not my idea of convenience. So that sucks.

Schools are the other major decisions we have to make. There is one within walking distance but it doesn't have french immersion. The only options we have are to keep the kids where they are which would mean a 20-30 minute drive or switch them to the only french one in our new city, but still have to drive them. The new school has bus routes, but we don't happen to be on them because we are so close to the other school. Guh! The drive is probably only about five minutes to the new french school but Im wondering if it's worth the anxiety for Rayden now that he has had three years with the same kids. I will probably be working in our current city so it may just make sense to keep them in their current school and just arrange for child care before and after school. Decisions! I tell ya, if we were on the bus route for the new school I would just deal with the switch for the ease of putting them on a bus every morning.


In other major news I've got another interview for Monday morning. They wanted to meet with me tomorrow but because of my ankle, I asked if we could book a later day. I still hadn't heard from the doctor at that point, so I just hoped that Monday would work. Then I got a call from the hospital with an appointment for Monday morning as well. The doctor is at 9:40 and the interview is at 11:30 so I could possibly have time for both, but there is no way to tell. Im just going to have to bring a watch with me and leave by 11 if the doctor is running behind. I know my ankle is important but Im really getting frustrated with the level of care my hospital is giving me. The sprain is better and I am getting my range of motion back but Im afraid to put any weight on it at all in case that does damage to the fracture. I need the OK from the doctor before I even attempt that. So yes, it is important that I see him but if he wants to put a cast on it or something, I probably wont have time.

I know it sounds like the obvious solution would be to change one of the appointments, but the hospital makes the doc appointments and I would have to wait another week to see someone and by then I could have done more damage if Im doing something wrong. As for the interview, I could call them back and try to go in tomorrow but Im not prepared at all and Im still hopping around a bit too much to look very professional. Another five days and an OK from the doctor may be just enough to give me a touch of gracefulness as I enter the interview room.

But yes, back to the interview. This is actually for two jobs within the same organization. One of the local non-profits is starting a new housing resource centre and they are hiring four new people for it. The positions that I applied for are a housing and tenant relations officer and a housing support worker. Both are entry-levelish but the pay is decent. The non-profit has a good reputation in town and if I can get a foot in the door with them, I think it will be the beginning of a good career. So Im definitely excited!

I've been applying like crazy for the last two weeks again for every job that Im even a little qualified for, so Im not worried. Even if this one doesn't work out, there have been lots of other opportunities lately and hopefully I'll get a few other interviews.

I feel like there is just so much going on. We're moving and obviously there's a ton of stuff that needs to be done with that. But then Im also hoping to secure a job in the next couple of weeks, get the kids ready for school (It's Chris's first year OMG!), and deal with a broken ankle. Oh! And my mom is coming for a visit at the end of September. If all the dates work out, she will be here and staying with us for a couple of days, about three days after we move. So not only will we be trying to get everything packed up here and moved over to the new house, I'll also be a bit frantic trying to unpack enough to have a house guest. It's my mom so I shouldn't be too worried about it all, it not like she'll care. But when I think about trying to visit with her around all the boxes and crap everywhere, I don't like the image. AND it's also the first time that she will meet Jason. So wow, big visit!

I haven't spoken to Melissa or our other SIL since the incident a few months back and I've only seen one of my brothers so Im not so sure how the whole family time with my mom will work out either. Every time I speak with my mom on the phone she brings it up and tries to get me to let go of it all. I just cant do that. This SIL is the same person who attacked me last year when I lost my house and then almost a year later, does it again but this time PUBLICLY. How can I just let her back into my life and open myself up for it again?

There is no way to know if she'll do it again next year or the year later and I don't want to give her the opportunity. The way I explained it to my mom was that I've had enough of a struggle myself trying to get out of the depression and such that I've been dealing with over the last couple of years. If I allow someone in my life that has the power to one day, out of the blue throw me back into all of that, then Im going to be on egg shells. I want to be happy and live a normal life. I don't want to have to struggle and fight my way back out of depression because someone who is supposed to be family decided to attack me again. So I leave it and avoid calling their house or having anything to do with her. My brother still calls me for various reasons and comes by, but I haven't seen my two little nephews since it all started. Nor have I spoken to Ross or Violet. Melissa is different, because she is the one who had the conversations with SIL about me but pretended like she had no issues with me. I don't mind what she did so much but the way that my brother and her made such an effort to cut me off from them, there is no repairing that. They are expecting another baby and I don't so much as get an email. My mom forwarded on the email they sent to her so that I would be aware, but that's how much they have cut me off. They have both removed me from facebook and msn and unlike my other brother, I haven't heard a word from Ross. So Im guessing that they don't want anything to do with me as much as I don't want anything to do with SIL. It's all a shame really and something I try not to think about. But now with my mother's visit and her wanted to spend time with everyone, I have to decide whether or not to give in and participate or loose out on the extra time with my mom and brothers.

Anyway, before I go on any further with that crap (like it wasn't enough already!), Im going to end this. I've got a lot going on at the moment and very little of it is what I though I would be doing at the end of this summer. But then again, I'd gladly replace a camping trip and a visit to the strawberry patch with a new house and job.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

the sprain that wasn't

So after 8 hours at the hospital again yesterday, it was determined that my sprained ankle was in fact a fractured ankle. It actually took about 7.5 hours for a doctor to actually look at my chart to determine that I was only there to be told of the fracture. To me, that's insane. I waited four hours last weekend and was sent home and told to keep it up for a few days. Then I get a call to come back in and Im the one that's supposed to wait for them? They messed up in the first place!

Anyway, they put a loose cast on it and sent me home. I should hear from another department on Monday about an appointment to see if I actually need a cast or if I should just stay off of it for a few weeks. The cast that was put on it was more of a precautionary thing, but that after a week of it just being wrapped, it was still just as it was when I hurt it.

So I cut off the cast.

I seriously tried to sleep with that damn thing on but the part that was covering the fractured bone wasn't even solid because the doctor did something weird to it and the side ended up not hardening. After about ten minutes of laying in bed with pain shooting through my foot I said 'fuck it' and went off in search of scissors. 20 minutes later I was back in bed and falling peacefully asleep. Damn doctors.

First they mess up what the problem is, then they make me wait 8 hours to be told how they messed up. To make up for it they quickly cast my leg, only to mess that up too and cause me more pain then I had to begin with. They should have just made me an appointment the other day when they called me to come back in. I mean really, what did they expect they would be able to do? If they had made the appointment, I'd be two days sooner actually knowing anything about it. At this point I have no idea how long this will take to heal or if I'll need a real cast or anything.

Im cranky and tired and want my damn ankle to feel better.

On the plus side, it's Rayden's 8th birthday today. We're not doing much because of the ankle but we've got a few plans. He's busy playing his wii with his cousin at the moment but I should get off this thing and start on the tacos for lunch.

Have a great weekend ladies.

Thursday, August 6, 2009


#1. So the foot:
Sunday morning, almost 24 hours after it happened

.....And today:

Yes, it hurts. I got a call this morning from the radiologist asking that I come back for more x-rays and a reassessment. I couldn't make it today, which really freaking sucks because now Im all worried and stressy thinking about what could be wrong. It's been five full days and I still can't put any weight on it. Fail!

#2. Astarte also asked about the job and I realised that I forgot to tell you all. I actually turned down the job. It was seriously low pay and would actually barely pay for child care. Im still hopeful that I will find something in my field soon. I have three job ads saved in windows on my computer at the moment waiting for me to put together application packages for each of them. Then tomorrow the careers section of the local paper is released online for the week. So we'll see.

#3. I've been reading a lot of fiction lately. And not just any fiction, this stuff is trashy, sometimes badly written, and pointless. But I'm loving it. Jason is a big movie buff and Im not so much. So reading now gives me the perfect opportunity to sit with him without being bored to death! I spent 6 years in school without so much as a summer off and so I stayed away from books for awhile but now I seem to be in full force. I devour them in days or even hours. The best part is the last three that I have picked up were from stores within five minutes from my house and they were all under 5 dollars, on clearance. Love it!

Now all I need is for this ankle to heal up so I can enjoy the rest of this summer.

On second thought, keeping my leg elevated gives me lots of time to read. Hmmm....

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Owie, ow

Saturday evening we had planned to have a BBQ with a few friends in the backyard. To prepare, Jason and I were doing little cleaning projects in and around the house. We didn't have a huge amount of things to do, but it was enough to have me a little stressed. Around noon I spotted the pack n play and decided to bring it outside just in case we need to throw Josiah in it at some point during the evening. So I grabbed it and headed outside. As I was stepping through our back door onto the patio, I happened to see Jason across the lawn and I called something out to him. In regular me fashion, I didn't bother to pay attention to what I was doing and instead totally focused on what Jason was doing (sitting down, drinking a beer).

In an instant I was on the ground screaming in pain. Jason came running over and I screamed at him to just leave me alone! don't touch it! OMG! Within about 5 seconds my ankle had swollen to look like a freaking baseball was sitting under the skin.

I've sprained my ankle many times but this one was bad. It was a lot like the last one which had me laid up in my apartment for a week. I couldn't even think about leaving because 1) I couldn't get down the three flights of stairs and 2) I couldn't drive. This is a lot like that time. Im doing a lot of crawling around the house and Im basically useless when it comes to looking after the kids. Jason has to work all week even though he is owed a stat holiday and he took on a side job tonight after work. This all means that it's pretty miserable around here.

I haven't uploaded the pics from this time because I cant muster up the energy to hop myself into the kitchen and rummage around for the cord. It looks horrible though. The bruise is so dark and reaches from almost my toes to half way up my calf and all the way around the ankle.

I don't know how I keep doing this to myself. It seems that every other summer I end up doing it again and it's always the same ankle. My mother has the same curse and has had to learn to walk extremely careful. Im usually very conscious of how I walk or what I wear on my feet but here I am again, because of one split second of stupidity. Damn.