Sunday, November 30, 2008

Ive made it...almost

Once I hit publish on this post I will have successfully finished NaBloPoMo. As for NaNoWriMo, I still have about 6500 words left to write. I have wrote over a thousand words since yesterday morning so I think I still have it in me, but I am down to 6.5 hours left. The kids will be in bed and should be asleep in a few hours leaving me with 3.5 hours to write 6.5k. I sure am cutting this close.

I was going to post when I finished so that I could say that I was successful for all of my challenges this month, but Im honestly not sure if I will make it and I didnt want to take any time away from my writing closer to mid night.

As for my 15 minutes/day of moving more, I have been keeping up with it and finding some really neat ways to do it. The other day, I boxed with the kids on the much fun!!

See you on the other side

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Hmm, there's not much left to talk about why not do a PIF?!
This is what I receieved in the mail the other day:

I won this PIF a few months ago and even though the lady that sent it has emailed me a few times, I've lost the link to her blog :( I dont think it would be right to reveal her real name from the postage either, so hopefully she will come by and leave her name in the comments. But thank you mystery lady, I love the gift!

So now onto my PIF!!! To enter just leave a comment about your favorite Christmas family tradition on this post before Tuesday (Dec 2) evening-ish. I havent bought the PIF prize yet but I am thinking it will probably be something to do with the upcoming holidays.

PIFs are so much fun! yay!

And just because I clicked on the wrong picture and dont know how to remove them, here is another one of Josiah in his crib...

Friday, November 28, 2008

Just made it

I am so close to the finish line and I cant believe I almost forgot to post tonight. I usually leave a window open with my blog in it to remind me but even that didnt work tonight. Ive been so busy with trying to get my word count for the novel (17900 to go!) that I havent had much chance to write anything. Rayden has been sick all day too and is actually sitting beside me right now (its really late) watching some little kid show. He just cant sleep. Ugh, I need this day to end. So goodnight all!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

More Firsts

A few weeks ago, Josiah had cereal for the first time. It was a Saturday evening while the other kids were with their dad and Josiah and I were visiting my parents. I wanted to share the moment with someone and since my parents are leaving in a couple weeks, I thought this would be a good time. The date was the 15th so Josiah would have been 4 months and 6 days at the time. Since then he has had it mostly every other evening because he just gets sleepy suddenly so I have to put him down without his cereal.

This picture was his very first bite, with my mom holding him. He did really well, except that I made it too runny and had a hard time keeping it in his mouth! Even now though, he goes nuts when we run out at the end of the feeding just because he wants more. This kid likes to eat!

I freecycled Josiah's bassinet last week and Ive gotten a little sick of him always sleeping in my bed or the swing, so I put together his crib today. This is his first time in it and I don't think he was really sure what was going on because I had just gotten him up from a nap.
But then he laughed and giggled and everything was good. Hes doing really well now with just about everything. His schedule is pretty set and I can tell what he wants most of the time when he is upset. He can play for a few minutes at a time either in his playpen, jumpy (exersaucer), or bouncy chair. He likes to sit in the kitchen with me while I cook and chew on my measuring spoon set or his keys or whatever his little hands can get on.
Im getting a little sick of the breastfeeding but I don't feel like Ive given it enough of a chance yet to actually think about giving up. I have a can of formula as back up if I ever need it, but as of yet, I haven't. Id like to get to a year with the breastfeeding, but Im not sure that will happen. As long as I keep thinking about the cost of formula, I think Ill be fine though.
Anyway, I just want to say Happy Thanksgiving to all of my American friends out there. I hope your day was relaxing and absolutely wonderful!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

fifteen minutes

I have taken Mommy Daisy up on her challenge to get moving for an extra 15 minutes every day from now until the end of the year. I don't really make a point to move each day as it is, so Im starting from the basics here. Today I ran up and down the stairs for awhile and then danced around with Rayden. It was fun and he thought I was a goof. I don't think it will be too hard to do because it is only fifteen minutes but just thinking of something to actually do will be the issue for me.

In other news, Ive been working on the Novel (5 more days to write 21 000 words, eek!) and Im writing a lot about dating. Now I was going to have something really big happen with the current guy character but I didn't know what. I was going to have him die or cheat or something, but I just couldn't figure it out. Now though after the email from M, Im finding myself wanting to make this character pay. I am totally transferring my personal life into this novel and its turning out kind of funny. The guy character that Im doing this with was never meant to be a big part in the novel but he is turning out that way so I think he is going to disappear sooner than he wants. I just have to think of a really fun way to get rid of him. I only have so much more time to fit in another big guy character and I need this one out of the way first. Maybe this stuff with M came at a good time! Writing a book is exciting!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How I have spent the last hour

I just got an email reply from M. I sent him one last night after a short msn conversation yesterday afternoon. This is the email he sent today:

"I'm sorry, you're not going to like this but not long after I returned home I was set up on a blind date by a couple of mutual friends of mine and hers. We hit it off and have been on a date since and have plans to go out again on Wednesday. Albeit neither one of us wants to rush into a relationship, I cannot deny that I am dating. Where this goes I don't know its too early to tell for either of us but I have no interest in seeing anyone else.

I don't know how to say this without coming off harsh but I have to be honest I don't think we have a chance even if I wasn't dating someone now. I don't know what it is, I just don't have that feeling for you at least not the way you do for me. I thought I did once but I know we're not meant to be."

The first thing I did when I read this was cry. Then I called my mom and talked for an hour. Now Im here...and that's pretty much the order that I deal with everything in lately.

I want to be upset and mad almost but I know that is silly. His message was very direct like I asked him to be but it still stung. I had a suspicion that he was seeing someone and I wanted to know for sure...and now I know. What more do I want? Im upset that he told me he had the same feelings for me but never really did. I've known that there was no chance anymore with him but I didn't want to give up hope. There is no getting around it now. He very clearly does not want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

Wow, how did I turn into 'that' girl?

I can feel the love!

How cool is it that Amanda gave me an award?

So neat!

The Rules:

1. Put the award up on your blog

2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you

3. Nominate at least seven other blogs

4. Add links to these blogs on your blog

5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog


The Muddled Sage

The Creamery


Mommy Daisy

Miss Grace's Disgrace

Indigo Girl

Complimentary Chocolate

Autobiography of a Material Girl

I know that's eight but I just couldn't choose! There were so many more to do too..

Monday, November 24, 2008


What do you do when you find the man of your dreams, only to find out that he doesnt want you? M is everything Ive ever wanted in a man and yet he does not want to be with me. I feel the same way about this situation as I do about having a daughter; It just doesnt seem right, or possible. I thought that my wanting a daughter so badly and having four kids would kind of mean that I would have a daughter. I still dont understand why I will never be allowed that. Growing up, I just assumed I would meet my Mr. Wonderful and we would be together. Since then Ive been through a few really bad relationships so I knew that the fairy tale was actually a fairy tale but I still never thought that I would be in this situation. How can a guy that seems so right for me be so wrong?

Everyone else that I have ever dated has had some good things and some bad things and I had to decide what was important to me and what I didnt mind giving up. M has everything though. He is seriously perfect for me except that he doesnt love me. I just dont understand how that can be. Ive blamed myself for every little mistake Ive made over the last year since I met him and wondered what I did wrong. But that is silly. I know it's silly to think that Ive done something wrong. Most likely Im just not the person he is looking for, and not that there was something I actually did.

Ugh, I know Im rambling, but this is the kind of stuff that goes through my head when I think about him. And I think about him a lot. Knowing that he is back in town now scares me a bit too. What the hell am I going to do if I run into him? Man, I am not good at this stuff. I just keep asking myself, or God or whatever why this is my life? Why cant I have it easy and just have this man love me? Just Why?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Christmas Cards

Ive been playing with a few different poses for our Christmas cards this year but most of them aren't working out very well. We decorated our tree yesterday and Ive put up a few other things around the house today so since the house was looking so festive, I wanted to try to get a good picture. Here are some of the rejects, and one of just Josiah in his Santa suit:

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A Second Chance

Ive been thinking about this post for the last few weeks but I haven't been able to actually pull my thoughts together enough for them to make sense. I'm not even sure how to put into words what I've been thinking, really. The thing is that I think I'm finally feeling like myself again after years of just ...what? living? Somehow that doesn't seem to fit, but its the closest that I can come up with.

A few months back I wrote a post about feeling very overwhelmed in my life to the point of not wanting to be a mother anymore. Since then, Ive been able to refocus on my kids and my self and I think we've learned a new way to live. Before I would scream and yell more often than Id like to admit, I was physically rough with my kids, I would cry at random and I had very little ability to cope with any change. Looking back, I don't know how I actually came back from such a state.

I think between my being over worked with school, work, kids and trying to make a broken relationship work, I got lost in it all and ended up just barely holding on. Then The Ex and I separated and I eventually learned to get used to that. Last November I found out I was expecting Josiah and that his dad was a loser. In April I lost my car; the end of May, I lost my boyfriend; and in June I lost my house. Come July I gave birth to my fourth child while living at my parents house. Its no wonder that I reached my ledge and quite frankly, I almost jumped.

Today I actually enjoy being a mom again. I'm still single and being alone is really difficult, but I'm not letting that get in the way of my happiness. I don't overly book myself with activities and things to do, but I keep myself challenged so I don't feel like I'm just wasting time. I still get overly upset sometimes but it happens way less and its not as bad as it used to be. I'm just happy that Ive gotten this chance in my life to stop and be still for awhile with my boys. I can only hope that I've learned enough from this last couple of years so that things only get better from here.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Another way in which I suck

If you take a little look over there to the right you may notice that my NaNo word count is a little low. Here it is 3 weeks in and Ive only written 17 000 words. There are 9 days left to write and I have to come up with 32 000+ words in that amount of time. I think I can still do it but it puts more pressure on me than I wanted when I first started this.

My problem is that I have started four separate novels over the last three weeks. One of them is only about a page or so in and I decided that it just wasn't coming out right, so I left it. The other two that I have abandoned, were great stories but they were just kind of hard to write. This last one that I am working on now actually has a lot of potential and it is surprisingly easy to write. I wrote 4200 words in two hours the other day and it didn't seem like anything. I also keep a notebook with me so whenever Im stuck waiting for something I start writing a scene that I think will be coming up soon. Then when I get the chance to write, I have somewhere to start off with.

So far, this last story is working out really well . I just hope that I can find enough time to sit down and type it over the next nine days to hit my 32 000. Wish me luck!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

budgeting with no income

So at the moment Im not working and I have no spouse to help bring in any money. Ive got the four kids to support and a huge mountain of debt. How the hell do I handle that?

First of all my numbers (kinda):
Im not actually going to tell the internet the actual dollar amounts of my budget, but percents should work.

Housing, including all related bills 50%
Food 18%
Car 8%
Debt Repayment 12%
Everything else 2%

The housing is high, I know but when you're poor there isn't much you can do. You all know the difficulty I` had in even finding a house so I don't mind paying the extra just to have a place to live.

The food is killing me and I with I could cut this down further, but I don't really know how.

My car is quite low because I don't have a car payment and I try not to drive much. Gas in Canada is a lot more expensive than it is in the US so it can cost me up to $60/week when the prices are high and I have a lot of errands to do. I enjoyed a nice $27 this past week though!

The debt repayment number only includes my minimum payments on my credit cards and payments to two other major debts. This does not include any payments to my almost $80 000 in student loan debt.

Everything else has to cover birthdays/xmas/emergencies/whatever. Trust me 2% of my very limited monthly budget is not much.

So how about you, is my budget startlingly different? Have any ideas on how I can make it work a little better, or better yet how I could get some more damn money?

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


Mommy Daisy tagged me for a six random things meme. Ive done one of these recently but since its NaBloPoMo, Im not going to pass up a chance at a topic. I don't have too many readers anyway so Im not going to bother tagging the same people again, but if you want to do it consider yourself tagged.

1. I let my kids watch way too much tv. When I first got my own place, I decided that I wouldn't have a tv but my dad brought me one about 6 years ago. Since then the kids and myself have become almost addicted to the darn thing with it being on from the time we get up until at least when the kids go to bed. I try to turn it off or at least mute it in the evenings so that Im not sucked in to some stupid show and waste my evening. It has gotten so bad that Chris cried today when I sent him to go play with his toys instead of watching tv. How horrible is that?

2. I love getting mail. It doesn't matter if its through regular old snail mail or email, I still love getting it.

3. I go through cycles of loving peanut butter to hating it. I end up eating so much of the stuff that I get sick of it and don't touch it again for months. Then the cycle starts again. Right now, Im starting to get sick of it and hopefully Ill be giving it up soon because nothing can add inches to your hips like a spoonful of peanut butter.

4. I love to sleep. My bed is my favorite place in my entire house and yet I almost never make it. I have way more sheets/blankets/pillows then I'll ever need and yet I never bother to actually fix them and make them look nice each day. I cant think of many things better than getting into a crisp and cool, freshly made bed. I know, its weird

5. I went to school for 6 years (16 consecutive semesters) and still feel like Im incapable or under qualified to work. There is a guy in my local NaNo group that works as a graphic designer. He has had zero training in it and just picked it up because it was "funsies," as he called it. I on the other hand spent $30 000 to get a diploma in the field and then worked all of about maybe 50 hours in it since I graduated 4 years ago. Ive designed a web site for my mom that I was never paid for and then my university student's group hired me to make up a few logos. If I had stuck with it, Im sure I could be doing a lot more of it right now and make more money staying home with the kids. Of course though, I let it totally slide and now I don't think Id remember enough to do much with it.

6. I love my eyes and my lips. Ive never really thought of myself as pretty but those are the two features that Ive always been ok with. Well, except for when I take off my glasses, then all I can see are my dad's eyes on my face...that's just weird.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Another giveaway

I know that most of you probably already read Mommy Daisy but since I have very little else to write about tonight, I thought I'd link to her latest DVD Giveaway and in return earn a second entry. You never know, it was the second entry that won me the Thomas DVD last time!

This particular contest is for A Shaun the sheep DVD which is a spin off of sorts from the Wallace and Grommit movies. My kids love those movies and so I thought it would be a good one for them, and maybe for your kids too!

So go now and enter! Hurry because the contest closes tomorrow!

Monday, November 17, 2008

The state of the boob

I didn't realise until after I read all your comments on my last post that I didn't give any sort of an update on my boob. After two days of being really careful to make sure that Josiah drained it as often as possible, I didn't wear anything tight and that the lump was actually going away; everything cleared up. The fever and headache lasted until Friday/Saturday-ish and the lump was gone Thursday. The pain left somewhere in there too, but I don't remember when.

Its crazy but Wednesday night I was actually afraid to go to sleep because I kept picturing Josiah screaming beside me for hours and me not waking up because of the fever. Or what it I actually died and the kids just thought I was sleeping the next morning and just left me there while they played until someone happened to come by! Man, my thoughts were a little crazy that night I tell you. But all is well now and hopefully that will be the last time I go through boob related illnesses.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

wednesday: the day from hell

Wow. Ive been a cheat lately. Those last like 5 posts were a whole lotta nuttin' and now I feel a bit embarrassed to have posted them. I wanted to post every day for NaBloPoMo but with this killer week that Ive had there was just nothing left of my brain. Sorry. Moving on...

Wednesday morning I had to go write this big test for a job that I had applied for with the federal government. Obviously a government job would be nice because they pay well and there are benefits and whatever plus this particular one has summers off. So even though Josiah is only 4 months old, I thought I would try for it anyway and see what happens. So ya, back to the Wednesday morning. I got everyone up an hour earlier than we normally would and got everyone ready and out to the car. We didn't eat breakfast because I thought that since it was early enough we could grab some bagels or something from a drive though without having to worry too much about line ups. Problem was though that we got about 10 minutes away when I realised that I had forgotten Josiah's milk that I had expressed for the babysitter to give to him. After turning around to get it, we ended up being 20 minutes behind schedule, making the line ups and traffic that much worse.

Anyway, it was all going to work out (just barely) when I pulled into my brother's driveway only to have my car completely die. It wasn't like it just quit or whatever, I mean like all power going anywhere was gone. So in a panic I ran into my brother's house to get him to see what he could do with it and deposit two of the four children. After much trying, my brother just gave up and handed me his car keys so I could make it to the test and he would catch a ride to work. That was obviously so nice of him and way beyond anything he needed to do for me. I was grateful. But I still only had 15 minutes to get there (20 minute drive) and two kids to deposit with my mom. I also had to pick up some papers that were to be photo copied and brought with me.

Ya'll still with me? Ok. So I convinced my mom to come meet me at the test centre with my papers and she can take the kids from there, saving me a trip out of my way. I get there with like 2 minutes to go and she pulls in after me, only without my photo copied papers. Well, let me just tell you that I was not a pretty sight at that moment. I cried and generally just lost it. The stress of the morning was catching up with me and the papers were just the last straw. Anyway my mom convinced me to go in and see if they would let me write the test anyway and she would come back with the papers after she dropped the kids off at school. Thankfully they were ok with that inside and I went on to write the test in only 2 of the 4 hours. Again with the family member going above and beyond what they needed to do that day for me.

So after all that was said and done, I was still without a car and had to wait at my brother's house for most of the day until my dad could give me a ride home. When we got back to my house though, I realised that my house key was still with my car key back at my brother's house. OMG all the way back to his house we went; Im not sure if Ive mentioned this but he lives about 20 minutes away. So ya that sucked. But I got home with all the kiddies, spent about an hour trying to tidy it a bit and get at the mountain of laundry (that had piled up from the previous week of being sick) done. Rayden got dropped of from school by my mom and I started to make supper. For some reason though I started to get really cranky while making supper, it was like I had just had enough of that day and so I was taking it out on the kids and the fact that they needed me. I hate it when I get like that. I know that Im being stupid about it and that its not their fault that they need to be fed/changed/consoled/whatever at that moment, but I still do it. Argh!

By the time we were finished with supper though I found myself on the couch with like zero energy and I started to realise I was sick. I was freezing, light sensitive, tired, irritable, achy, had a head ache and my boob was killing me. Thinking about it I realised that I had had all those symptoms since that morning but they had just gotten worse and worse without me understanding that I was sick. That was until it hit me horribly and it was all I could do to get the two little ones to bed. I sent the older two to bed an hour early just because I couldn't stand the sound of their voices anymore. Nice, hey? It was a little after this point that I updated you all on the state of my fever and boob before passing out at 9 with a fever of 106.8.

So ya, that was the end of a very long, very crappy day. I am so happy that it is over and that we all survived it. I don't know how I did on the test yet but my car is fixed and in my driveway again. The house is cleanish but I still have a mountain of laundry to do. The week continued like that but Im still recuperating and cant get much more than that out of my head.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

What the hell am I supposed to write?

Um ya, Melissa and I are sitting here doing nothing really but eating junk food and chatting. Be back tomorrow for that long awaited ACTUAL post.

Friday, November 14, 2008


Ive been so busy this week that I barely have enough time to collect my thoughts let alone write one. Tomorrow the kids go with their dad for the evening and even though I was supposed to have a party, Ive cancelled it. So that just means that Ill be spending the evening on my computer working on my Nano novel which is dangerously behind schedule. Hopefully Ill actually get a post out during the 23 hours they are gone!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

sick, boobs, stuff

Dont you just love NaBloPoMo? I was laying here on the couch yesterday feeling like death and trying to figure out what to write! So thats why you all got that lovely message about the state of my boob. To keep with the theme of things, Im still not going to do a real post today, but instead Ill just ramble a little. Enjoy.

My temp went as high as 106.8 last night but I refused to go through the process of getting a babysitter and going into the emergency room. So instead I took tylenol and kept a warm cloth on my boob to keep it draining. I think I was able to avoid a full blown infection though because today I am much better. I still feel like Im going to fall over at any minute but Im surviving.

Yesterday was a heck of a day, even before the whole boob pain thing but Ill have to update about that tomorrow. Right now I have to tend to Josiah who is awake AGAIN! I just need a little time to sleep today but its just not happening.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I think I have an infection in my breast

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Contests and such

Mommy Daisy is having another Dvd give away so before you do anything else go and enter

Melissa is asking what everyone thinks of her idea for a PIF so go check that out too

And as for me, the plain white box will finally be mailed tomorrow because all of the kids will be with babysitters for awhile and I have to drive right past a post office. Woo hoo for finally getting this taken care of! I got am email last night from a lady whose PIF I won back a few months ago and she just sent my package off yesterday too! So now when that arrives Ill be able to do another PIF myself and Im thinking it would be silly to do anything but a Christmas theme.

On another note, Im getting ready to send out my xmas cards (and by getting ready I mean I still need to buy them, get pictures done, and compile my list of addresses) and Id like to send them out to you guys too. I don't know if that seems a little weird but I think it would be fun. So if anyone is interested in receiving an xmas card from moi send me a quick message with your address to

Monday, November 10, 2008

More random thoughts brought to you by NaBloPoMo

I have this insane need to always be working on something new, even though Ive almost always got too much going on as it is. This week alone, I have a 4 hour test for a government job that I applied for, Michael's 2 year old development check and my girl's night party. On top of that, Im trying to squeeze in extra time with my parents, clean up the yard, get a bunch of stuff with my car fixed, switch Josiah to a crib, arrange a big family picture with 15 people, catch up my NaNo word count and post here everyday. That's a lot of things to keep straight in my head when Im here changing yet another diaper or wrestling with my four year old to eat his supper.

If I didn't have all this going on though, I would feel like I was wasting my life away. Im used to being busy and even though Im taking this year off (or less, cross fingers!!), I don't actually want to take it off. I have no idea how people do actually take time off and do nothing.

So anyway, what I wanted to get at was that Im so busy all the time doing so much crap that Im here writing thousands of words every day for NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo(um, and msn...) using this:

This is my 14 month old laptop that is missing no less than 6 buttons. Many, many more have been ripped off but they were easily re-attached. These 6 however could not be fixed and Ive been typing like this for months. Im missing both shift keys, "g", caps lock, "\", and backspace. SSSSOOOO, whenever you see a capital letter or a G, remember my broken little keyboard and how hard it is to type on!

Sunday, November 9, 2008


Is everyone else enjoying this little treat of NaBloPoMo and all those people who keep updating their blogs on the weekend? Ive got a few favorite blogs that don't tend to update as often as Id like to read them and so imagine how tickled I was today to find that two of them had posted! Both Linda and Julia are amazing writers and I just cant seem to get enough of their blogs. I read them everywhere they write and Im always excited to get a new post in my reader.

I found both of these amazing women by way of other favorite bloggers Swistle and Linda, respectively. Im wondering now though what other awesome blogs Im missing simply because I haven't found them yet. With so many out there to explore, how do I ever read them all?

So my question to you is who do you read? What are the blogs that you just cant live without or that you think the whole world needs to read? Id love to find some more, even if I cant keep up with my blogroll as it is!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

I really do own a mirror

I don't think I need very few words to explain this one...
I looked in my bathroom mirror yesterday and noticed that I had a freaking uni-brow! I had no idea! Im not one for the perfectly shaped brow look and I prefer to just pluck the middle a bit. This however has not happened in a long while, apparently. So I tried some new wax strips that Ive had for awhile and they worked pretty well. Ive used wax before but never on my face and I have to say that Ive never been impressed. I think I might actually prefer this method for my brows though. It took maybe 2 minutes tops and I don't think the results are too bad.

And uh, Im sick and apparently quite brave to post these pictures online. Can you believe that these were the good shots?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Count Down

According to my calculations Christmas is less than 7 weeks away. That's kinda crazy if you ask me. Ive got a lot of my shopping done because I was relying on getting sponsored by the local women's shelter. I didn't think Id need to buy much and its not like I even have the money to buy much, but things have changed. Today was the day to register for the sponsorship but I couldn't get through and so now Ive lost the chance. Im a little scared that Ill have to provide the entire Christmas for four kids and now with only 7 weeks to go, I don't have much time to make it work.

My parents leave 5 weeks from Monday and they've always been really important in my life. My mom is my rock and Im scared to lose her. Last year was my first Christmas while single and I was very depressed but my Mom is who helped me through it. I don't know how to face this year without her. There are the silly little details like where Im going to go for Diner that day (the kids always spend the afternoon and evening with their dad), but the big stuff like knowing that I cant just go see them when it all gets to be too much, that's whats hard. They will still only be a phone call away and with our web cams we can still see each other but I don't know how Im going to go a year without giving my mom a hug. Im 25 years old and Ive never gone more than a few months without seeing my parents. How am I going to last a year or more?

I think I could handle it if I had someone else to help me, someone else to become my rock. I have no one in my life right now and that makes things terribly lonely. But on top of that feeling is just knowing that I have no one to help me when times get rough.

Knowing that I still have the 5.5 weeks with my parents is bitter sweet. One the one hand it gives us some extra time to make sure we spend as much time together as possible. On the other though it gives me 5.5 weeks of worrying and being scared of loosing my mom. My dad is 53 and not a healthy person so I worry that he may not come back after the four years. What if they leave and I never see him again?

Sometimes I get mad at myself for thinking these things and other times I feel like they are legitimate. Im 25 with four children of my own. I should be able to deal with not seeing my parents for a year but instead it feels like my whole world is falling apart.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Just in Time

I was just turning off my computer for the night when I realised that I hadn't posted yet today. As simple as that and I almost ruined my NaBloPoMo goal! I did realise though and after running upstairs to give Josiah a quick feed, Im back and searching my noggin for something to write.

I have a few ideas but its 11pm and Im tired so Im just going to make a quick couple of comments. First, I was in a mood today where I felt like doing something but totally didn't feel like doing anything either. Make sense? No? Ya, its weird. I think Im PMSing and that always makes me weird. Anyway, Im getting off topic. What Im trying to say is that I totally caved and brought the mug-wumps to the good ol' golden arches for some lunch and playtime. We don't have any indoor play areas in this city so this is really our only option during the winter and I hate it. Today was actually really warm outside but I just could not face a park or even our own back yard so we went there. I got to sit and look at a paper with Josiah while Chris and Michael played for about and hour and a half. Michael has always stayed out with me and watched his brothers playing in the play area but he is finally old enough to enjoy it himself. He kept coming out and saying "wee" and then "more wee" meaning "I went down the slide, Mommy! Watch, Im going to do it again!" I love toddler-speak.

Ok so long story short I noticed after I ate that the cartons for the burgers now show the dietary info that used to be online and in a pamphlet. My burger had 29g of fat alone! According to the carton, that was only 45% of my daily recommended amount. But that didn't make any sense so I looked closer and wouldn't you bet, they had based it on a daily diet of 2000 calories. Im not totally up on what this number should be for the average adult, but Im thinking 2000 is a little high. I know that 1500 is a good number but that may just be for when you're loosing weight. Either way, 2000 seems like a lot and a bit of a marketing trick if you ask me.

Then I looked at Chris's wrapper from his happy meal burger and saw that his was also based on a 2000 calorie diet. Now there is no way that a child needs 2000 calories no matter who they are! Its no secret that this food is not health food. Im all for healthier options but for McD's to be promoting themselves as healthy is kinda nuts. Adding apple slices as an option for happy meals is great, but being sneaky about the nutritional value of their food is so wrong. People that understand what they are reading are at such an advantage over those parents that dont necessarily know what those numbers all mean. They could see 9% of their daily recommended amount of fat and think that it isnt all that bad, but if you really look at it, its so much more!

Ive tried to cut take out from our lives quite a bit over the last 6 months and Ive succeeded for the most part. When we do have it though, Im always appalled by how lousy it really is. The food tastes like crap, makes me feel gross and doesn't do much for my wallet or waistline. Even if it is a place for the kids to play, Id rather not do it anymore. So after we left there, I finally went to the Y and got all my info for joining. I will go ahead and actually join when I can get in without the kiddies for a tour and to set everything up. That will probably be on a day when the older ones are with their dad. I would be happy to actually start going tomorrow but I just have to force myself to keep my encouragement to go until I can actually go. Im horrible for social situations and I avoid many new experiences because of this so actually talking myself into going into that gym without feeling like I know what Im doing is just terrifying anyway.

Ok, that's enough rambling for one night. Its getting closer to 11:30 now so Id better post this and get it over with for the day.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

There's really no point to this post

Im sick so wah! I have no desire to post today and probably wouldn't have if I wasn't trying to do NaBloPoMo. I stayed up way too late writing my novel and drank lots of caffeine so I had a hard time sleeping even when I did finally get to bed. Josiah is extra sensitive to caffeine when I drink it too so I usually stay away but ended up having some Pepsi with our pizza last night. Then I then kept drinking it. No wonder I've gained weight!

Yesterday was Michael's real birthday and Im going to do a post about him one of these days but I don't think I have the brain power for that to be today.

I know that Ill probably be reading enough about the election in all of your posts but let me just say WOOOOO HOOOOOO! Ive secretly kinda hated the US for the last bit but I think you have restored my faith in your decision making skills! Even though my own country is a bit doomed, Im at least happy for all of my American friends today.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

down, not up!

My dress arrived today. I had just walked out the door to run some errands when I saw it in the mail box so I was disappointed to have to wait to try it on. When I did finally get home I rushed right into my bedroom and tried to throw it on only to find that it was too small. I noticed at first that it made my hips stick out really weird but then I couldn't even get the zipper to go up past by boobs.

I felt so discouraged and wondered if I had possibly gained some weight back so I climbed on my scale only to find that I have gained a whopping 7lbs in the last two weeks! Holy Hell Batman! Ive always bounced around with my weight but that is a really big jump for such a short time and it has me worried. Ive totally let my diet go and I haven't exercised in awhile so it really isn't a mystery as to where the lbs came from but still. I thought I could slack for a little while and maybe just stay where I was instead of losing; I didn't think Id actually gain.

So now Ive got those extra 7 so get rid of as well as the 1 that I still had to lose to hit my 50lbs mark. My target weight is now 28 lbs away and that feels like an impossible goal at the moment. I know I need to re-evaluate and re focus on my weight loss goals and not give in to the feelings of failure, but that is seriously hard. According to my calendar, if I were to get serious again and lose 2 lbs each week, I would have my 28lbs gone by the first few days in February. That seems doable. If I were to go a little slower and loose 1 lbs each week, I would hit my target weight in the second week of May. This also seems doable. I don't want to pressure myself to loose too much in too little time because I know I wont stick with it but Im also so sick of being overweight. It took 3 years to get to that 49lb mark and right before I actually hit the 50, I ended up hitting a snag. I want to feel that victory and I want to feel the even bigger one of hitting my target weight.

I know that weight isn't the best way to measure any of this either, but it helps to have an actual number that you can see and work with. I have no idea how many extra inches I have on me and so saying I want to loose 4 inches off my waist isn't really accurate. I could guesstimate but that isn't really productive.

I think the first step is to pass on anymore Halloween junk and get back on track with eating properly. The exercise has always been an issue for me and I tend to find excuses not to do it. My excuse now is that I don't want to drag 4 kids into the Y to get the membership forms that I need to fill out and I never have a good time to go there without the kids. So I just haven't been there to get them even though i started talking about it over a month ago. If I had just done it then, I could have at least started there and the kids and I could go every day if we wanted to.

Ok enough of a rant...I should actually be working on my novel

Monday, November 3, 2008

Lets discuss babies, shall we?

The other day I noticed that Josiah was scouching (is that a word?) himself over to the side of his little blanket/toy contraption and grabbing onto some of the lower toys to munch on. At first I thought it was just a fluke but he keeps doing it. Yesterday I even started handing him things and he grabs them no problem and brings them to his mouth! He still cant really control his hands much yet and frequently drops things but the process keeps him amused for a long time.

Both the rolling over of last month and now this has got me wondering if he has more skills that Im not aware of? Being my fourth I think Im spending less time physically playing with him then I did with my first so maybe Im just not paying as much attention as I used to. The alternative is that he is just so damn smart and is figuring out all these things with little help or encouragement from me.

Speaking of Josiah, Ive been contemplating beginning solids. Ive always started my kids early and looking back I don't know if it was always the right decision. I think I mistook growth spurts and changes as hunger and thought I needed to start solids at a much earlier age then was probably necessary. With Rayden it was 2.5 months and with Chris it was about 3 months. With both of them their starting solids coincided with my giving up breast feeding and starting them on formula. I was convinced that I just didn't have enough milk for Chris and I still believe that I didn't but why on earth did I think he needed to start solids at the same time he started formula?

Michael was around 4 months which was the recommended age to begin them when I first became a mother. In the last few years though the common thinking is to wait until 6 months. Im on two minds about this though. First, I feed Josiah completely on demand and so if he is hungry, he eats. I don't feel like he is not getting enough but I DO sometimes feel like he is always eating. He will be 4 months old this coming weekend so Ive already almost past the ages that Ive started all of my others on it. Also, I was looking forward to giving him his first food on Christmas day, to make it extra special.

This may be TMI so be warned! Ive always resumed my monthly flow the month after my babies were born even though I breast fed. I read somewhere recently that it only resumes after solids are introduced or if the baby is formula fed. I have no idea if this is true but for whatever reason mine hasn't come back yet and Id rather not get that any time soon. Im 25 and have a lot of years ahead of me for that and since Im done with kids there will never be another break from it. OMG, what a horrible thought!

Ok so getting back to the point; when is the best time to start solids? Also what order do you think is the best when introducing foods? I know I tend to get a little excited and want to introduce everything right away but I don't think that's a good idea. I usually start with rice cereal and work through all the single grains, then the mixed grains and so on. My kids have all been fans of the jarred peas too so I usually give them those as a first vegetable. I think though that this time I want to make my own baby food so I have so many more options than I did before. I think I can probably make organic home made baby foods cheaper than I could buy the regular stuff so that's always a bonus. Beans also seem like a really neat way to go but Ive never fed my babies beans so Im a little clueless.

You know now that Im thinking about this, feeding is kinda like cloth diapering. Its really confusing when you first get into it but with just a bit of research and hands on experience, Im sure it will all become a lot more clear. Suggestions and tips however are always welcome!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Day two

Its day two of both NaNoWriMo and NaBloPoMo and all I want to do is SLEEP! Yesterday really sucked the big one and I only managed to write 1568 words of my novel (which will be called Purple Marmalade). I did post here and I almost made my word count so it was a successful day in theory, but I had planned to do so much more.

Even now, I should be all pumped to go and be writing madly but instead Im browsing the Nano forums and reading blogs. My head feels heavy and my eyes are trying to close on me. The kids will be home in exactly 6 hours and Josiah is currently napping; what more could I ask for?

Part of the problem is that I don't like my story already. I didn't really have a plot at all when I started and Ive kinda formed something but I don't like it as much as I thought I would. Im writing chick lit and the fact that Ive never read a single novel in this genre is starting to show. Im not much of a fiction reader to begin with and Im certainly not a writer so ya, its not great.

So far Ive decided that Ill be writing in first person present tense (such a challenge for me!) and my MC will mostly be people watching in a women's only gym. Im going to do something with her perceptions of the regulars at the gym but I haven't really gotten that far yet. I need something interesting to keep me going. Im a really fast writer so I know that given a half hour each day Ill meet my word count, but I need to be INTERESTED in what Im writing to make that happen.

At least Ive got day two for NaBloPoMo crossed off my list for today!

Oh and as a side, my old bf comes home TODAY! I have no idea if he will become a regular character around here but Ive decided to give him the boring, yet practical title of "M."

Saturday, November 1, 2008

And we're off...kinda

Today marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo. Many people started their novels last night but because I was set to get up with the kids this morning, I decided against it. I will be starting at 5pm when they go with their dad. It is currently about 4:15 and Josiah just woke up from a nap so he will probably still be awake and you know, needing me at 5, but we'll see what happens. I dont have to get up tomorrow until Josiah and I decide so I plan to stay up late writing and hopefully get 10k in before the kids get home tomorrow at 4.

And because Im kinda crazy that way, Ive also decided to do NaBloPoMo which is basically just writing a post every day for a month. Last month (I cant believe its November already!) I did something like 21 posts (8600 words!) so I dont think it will be too much of a challenge. I may just end up telling you all how many words Ive got on the novel or something.

Ive added the widget to the side of my blog so that you can see what my word count is at and cheer me along. Happy November people!!