Ive been thinking about this post for the last few weeks but I haven't been able to actually pull my thoughts together enough for them to make sense. I'm not even sure how to put into words what I've been thinking, really. The thing is that I think I'm finally feeling like myself again after years of just ...what? living? Somehow that doesn't seem to fit, but its the closest that I can come up with.
A few months back I wrote a post about feeling very overwhelmed in my life to the point of not wanting to be a mother anymore. Since then, Ive been able to refocus on my kids and my self and I think we've learned a new way to live. Before I would scream and yell more often than Id like to admit, I was physically rough with my kids, I would cry at random and I had very little ability to cope with any change. Looking back, I don't know how I actually came back from such a state.
I think between my being over worked with school, work, kids and trying to make a broken relationship work, I got lost in it all and ended up just barely holding on. Then The Ex and I separated and I eventually learned to get used to that. Last November I found out I was expecting Josiah and that his dad was a loser. In April I lost my car; the end of May, I lost my boyfriend; and in June I lost my house. Come July I gave birth to my fourth child while living at my parents house. Its no wonder that I reached my ledge and quite frankly, I almost jumped.
Today I actually enjoy being a mom again. I'm still single and being alone is really difficult, but I'm not letting that get in the way of my happiness. I don't overly book myself with activities and things to do, but I keep myself challenged so I don't feel like I'm just wasting time. I still get overly upset sometimes but it happens way less and its not as bad as it used to be. I'm just happy that Ive gotten this chance in my life to stop and be still for awhile with my boys. I can only hope that I've learned enough from this last couple of years so that things only get better from here.