Friday, November 7, 2008

Count Down

According to my calculations Christmas is less than 7 weeks away. That's kinda crazy if you ask me. Ive got a lot of my shopping done because I was relying on getting sponsored by the local women's shelter. I didn't think Id need to buy much and its not like I even have the money to buy much, but things have changed. Today was the day to register for the sponsorship but I couldn't get through and so now Ive lost the chance. Im a little scared that Ill have to provide the entire Christmas for four kids and now with only 7 weeks to go, I don't have much time to make it work.

My parents leave 5 weeks from Monday and they've always been really important in my life. My mom is my rock and Im scared to lose her. Last year was my first Christmas while single and I was very depressed but my Mom is who helped me through it. I don't know how to face this year without her. There are the silly little details like where Im going to go for Diner that day (the kids always spend the afternoon and evening with their dad), but the big stuff like knowing that I cant just go see them when it all gets to be too much, that's whats hard. They will still only be a phone call away and with our web cams we can still see each other but I don't know how Im going to go a year without giving my mom a hug. Im 25 years old and Ive never gone more than a few months without seeing my parents. How am I going to last a year or more?

I think I could handle it if I had someone else to help me, someone else to become my rock. I have no one in my life right now and that makes things terribly lonely. But on top of that feeling is just knowing that I have no one to help me when times get rough.

Knowing that I still have the 5.5 weeks with my parents is bitter sweet. One the one hand it gives us some extra time to make sure we spend as much time together as possible. On the other though it gives me 5.5 weeks of worrying and being scared of loosing my mom. My dad is 53 and not a healthy person so I worry that he may not come back after the four years. What if they leave and I never see him again?

Sometimes I get mad at myself for thinking these things and other times I feel like they are legitimate. Im 25 with four children of my own. I should be able to deal with not seeing my parents for a year but instead it feels like my whole world is falling apart.


Melissa said...

I don't really know what to say, but I haven't talked to you today and I wanted to show you this cake .. that I think you should do for someone :)

Other than that Steph and I are going to meet at the park tomorrow with one of her friends possibly you should join!

Swistle said...

I don't even like it when my parents go on a 2-week trip!

Mommy Daisy said...

I can understand your impending sense of loss. That would be tough. But you CAN do it. I don't know you well, but you seem like a very strong person to me. I know that you will make it.

Astarte said...

I know it's going to be hard for you. I'm sorry that this is happening around the holidays, too, which is a harder time of year, period. I can totally see why you're upset; you've been through a lot in the last few years, and you're 'only' 25, which is when I was being busy being overwhelmed by ONE kid, and I had a husband to help me with it!

As far as the kids go, try to not worry so much about gifts for four kids. The baby won't remember anything about this year, or even next year, and only wants the bows, anyway. It sounds to me like you've been providing for the kids really well, and they'll be getting gifts from their dad, too. Hopefully that check that you're owed will be coming soon, and that will help.

I would try to focus on the fact that you're having Xmas in your new house, safe and warm, and that things are looking up for you already. You're going to be OK.