Monday, May 4, 2009

Where I've been

So technically I haven't gone anywhere. I've still been reading all of you regularly and I've been visiting my own blog daily. I just wasn't posting. The only reason that I can come up with for my lack of interest in this blog is that I've been dealing with depression a lot lately. Now that's not official, I haven't been to a doctor or anything, but I think it's pretty safe to say that's what it is.

My mom is working on her PhD in psychology at the moment and is the only mental health professional in her community and she suggested that I talk with someone about medication. I have always been against medication for myself, although I've never had a problem with others taking it. Looking back though, this is a problem that has been with me for the last few years at least and something that I don't want to continue. I want to be happy and live a normal life. I just don't know how to make that happen. The idea of taking some sort of medication to make my problems seem less shitty just seems like the wrong answer. I don't know.

I keep thinking that once I get a job things will be better. Problem is that its now May and I gave myself until June to find a new full-time position. I start working back on my project again in a couple weeks but that will be over next month. After that my involvement will be very little and wont even be enough to pay a single bill. So definitely need a job soon. My bills are starting to catch up with me and there are times when I cant even make the minimum payment on all of them and still eat. I've had to resort to taking help from my parents again and I always hate doing that. Something will come up though, it just has to.

So that's why I haven't been writing.

I finally joined the Y yesterday and we went this morning for the first time. Im now exhausted but we had a lot of fun. I got to spend 40 minutes on the treadmill, play with the baby a little and bring Michael into the gym area where they had a huge bouncy castle and a bunch of scooters/balls/slides set up. That was the best part; I actually got to have some one-on-one time with Michael who doesn't ever really get that. Every morning he watches his older brothers go off to "school" and he always wants to join them. So today I had him pack his very own little back pack and I told him he was going to his own school. The child minding area there is close enough to a school for him to feel as grown up as his brothers, I think.

The worst part of the last few months is that I have gained an obscene amount of weight. Last October I weighed in at my smallest weight of 161. By the beginning of January I was up to 175. I was able to loose 3lbs within the first couple weeks of the year, only to gain them back by March. Now in the last two months, I have gained an additional 16lbs bringing me to a whopping 191. I know a huge part of that is giving up breast feeding, which not only causes hormonal issues, but I also now need less calories each day. So the gym is a big deal for me in a lot of ways.

I get to work out and try to loose some of this nasty fat

I get up to an hour and a half of alone time every time I go. I don't have to schedule the kids attendance in the child minding either so as long as its during their operating hours, I can drop the kids and go.

I have access to a bunch of interesting a fun classes (belly dancing, anyone?)

The kids get to interact with other children instead of fighting with each other at home

They also have access to a variety of classes and parent/child activities

Every Saturday and Sunday I can bring the older kids to the bouncy castle thing for an hour while I socialize with the other parents

I think this will be really good for us and who knows, it might just be what I need to get out of this funk.


St said...

We joined the Y in January and I LOVE it. I've taken some classes with a friend and also like to do the elliptical and some weight training. I even take the kids swimming every now and then.
Medications work to balance the chemicals in your brain. It is something you can use while you work out the things that may be causing your depression. It is a good and healthy thing you can do for yourself. I've always wondered why people think anti-depressants are okay for other people but not for them!
I'm not saying you should take them but I would encourage you to consider it as part of your plan for getting well!

Amanda said...

The Y sounds like a great start for you (and the kids). Good luck!

As for the medication, I'd say give it a try. You've tried for a handful of months without them and you still feel the way you do, so I'd say try them. Meds are not always the answer, but if they will help get you back on track, then its a good start. Keep us posted on how things go!!

Astarte said...

I would say try the meds, too. You've got a lot on your plate, and if they help you get through the rough patches, then go for it, that's what they're for. It can't hurt, right?

Sorry to hear about the weight gain. I know how hard you worked to lose it, and the only thing I can say is that you've shown that you can do it, and I know you can do it again.

Kristi said...

The Y sounds like so much fun!

I'm with everyone else on the meds issue. I don't believe they are a long-term solution, but, while you're working through the stuff that's going on, it never hurts to have a little extra help.

Whimsy said...

Good for you for joining the Y. That's awesome. And everyone is right about the meds: do what you need to do to get yourself in a healthier mindset so that you **can** look in to longer term solutions. Meds can do that.

Hang in there.

Mommy Daisy said...

I hope the Y membership is just the motivation that you need. I need some motivation too. I haven't stepped on the scale in a (long) while, and I'm sure it isn't pretty. I had thought about joining our local Y too, but that's not going to work out for us right now. Oh well.