2.5 weeks in

It could be the gorgeous weather we've been having.

It could be the new routine we've developed.

It could be the chemical response to all of the exercise I've been doing.

It could be the amazing boyfriend and supportive family that I have.

Or it could be none of these things. Whatever the reason, my depression seems to have subsided for the last few weeks. I am a procrastinator by nature and so even though I mostly agreed with all of you that I should at least speak to a doctor about medication, I kept putting it off. Instead I've just been focusing on getting healthier and loosing weight. Personally, I think that's what has helped me the most.

I joined the Y 17 days ago and since then I have been 15 times. I can already tell the difference in my endurance and strength. It's amazing! I do a ball fit class each week and another class using the bosu ball. Both can be pretty challenging, and I like them because they let me focus on toning and strength. The rest of the week, I pretty much just do cardio either on the elliptical, treadmill or bike.

There is a 90 minute time limit on the child minding service so once I drop the kids off, I change my shoes quickly and get at it because my minimum goal each day is to burn 500 calories and depending on what Im doing, I usually need at least an hour. The elliptical is great for burning calories fast but I don't really feel like its engaging many muscles. Sometimes I try to sit back with my arms stationary and just use my feet because then I can at least feel it in my butt and thighs.

I want to start the C25K program but Im a little self conscious about running on a treadmill around a bunch of other people. There are a few others that are larger like me, but most of the people that I've seen are quite fit. I don't mind it so much with anything else that I do there, but Im worried that if I set the speed so that Im jogging, I'll end up having to jump off or quit after a few seconds and look like a tool. I know its silly because I can walk pretty fast on it with a decent incline and that doesn't even raise my heart rate above about 70%. When I'm on the elliptical my heart rate stays above 80% for the full half hour and Im fine. I don't know. My head tells me I would be OK but my social anxiety keeps kicking in and I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe if I give myself a definite goal and day to start. Like maybe next Monday? We'll see.

So I'm doing well. Michael loves going every morning so even on those days where I don't feel like it, I still end up going because he wants to go so badly. Even when I don't have the kids, I seem to have the motivation to keep going, which is refreshing. On Sunday I put Josiah in the stroller and we went for a two hour walk with some pretty challenging hills. By the time I got home, I had walked 7 kms and we only came home because Josiah was fussy and wanted to nap. Next time I'm going to try for 10kms. Um....wow, I never thought I'd be excited to try to walk 10kms for the hell of it!

Me after a work out:

directing your attention

So I've got some things that I want to write about but until I actually get around to doing anything about it, Im going to leave you with this:

Tara at the brain is having a giant, super-fun, internet present swapping thing...um, just go check it out for yourself!

Where I've been

So technically I haven't gone anywhere. I've still been reading all of you regularly and I've been visiting my own blog daily. I just wasn't posting. The only reason that I can come up with for my lack of interest in this blog is that I've been dealing with depression a lot lately. Now that's not official, I haven't been to a doctor or anything, but I think it's pretty safe to say that's what it is.

My mom is working on her PhD in psychology at the moment and is the only mental health professional in her community and she suggested that I talk with someone about medication. I have always been against medication for myself, although I've never had a problem with others taking it. Looking back though, this is a problem that has been with me for the last few years at least and something that I don't want to continue. I want to be happy and live a normal life. I just don't know how to make that happen. The idea of taking some sort of medication to make my problems seem less shitty just seems like the wrong answer. I don't know.

I keep thinking that once I get a job things will be better. Problem is that its now May and I gave myself until June to find a new full-time position. I start working back on my project again in a couple weeks but that will be over next month. After that my involvement will be very little and wont even be enough to pay a single bill. So definitely need a job soon. My bills are starting to catch up with me and there are times when I cant even make the minimum payment on all of them and still eat. I've had to resort to taking help from my parents again and I always hate doing that. Something will come up though, it just has to.

So that's why I haven't been writing.

I finally joined the Y yesterday and we went this morning for the first time. Im now exhausted but we had a lot of fun. I got to spend 40 minutes on the treadmill, play with the baby a little and bring Michael into the gym area where they had a huge bouncy castle and a bunch of scooters/balls/slides set up. That was the best part; I actually got to have some one-on-one time with Michael who doesn't ever really get that. Every morning he watches his older brothers go off to "school" and he always wants to join them. So today I had him pack his very own little back pack and I told him he was going to his own school. The child minding area there is close enough to a school for him to feel as grown up as his brothers, I think.

The worst part of the last few months is that I have gained an obscene amount of weight. Last October I weighed in at my smallest weight of 161. By the beginning of January I was up to 175. I was able to loose 3lbs within the first couple weeks of the year, only to gain them back by March. Now in the last two months, I have gained an additional 16lbs bringing me to a whopping 191. I know a huge part of that is giving up breast feeding, which not only causes hormonal issues, but I also now need less calories each day. So the gym is a big deal for me in a lot of ways.

I get to work out and try to loose some of this nasty fat

I get up to an hour and a half of alone time every time I go. I don't have to schedule the kids attendance in the child minding either so as long as its during their operating hours, I can drop the kids and go.

I have access to a bunch of interesting a fun classes (belly dancing, anyone?)

The kids get to interact with other children instead of fighting with each other at home

They also have access to a variety of classes and parent/child activities

Every Saturday and Sunday I can bring the older kids to the bouncy castle thing for an hour while I socialize with the other parents

I think this will be really good for us and who knows, it might just be what I need to get out of this funk.

ok so it wasn't Michael...

but I think Rayden did a fine job randomly generating the number 5!

Which means our winner is Erin of Mama Said No!

Yipee!

Erin, I'll be sending off an email to you in a minute, but if you don't get it or something freaky happens, then just send me a quick email with your address.

Let's have some fun, shall we?

It seems that I've let my blog go the last couple of months. I can't really even believe it has been so long since I was posting here regularly.

Things have been weird, to say the least.

So without getting into all of that jazz, I propose we do something fun around here instead. Something like a PAY IT FORWARD contest??? Sound good?

I've already started picking up a few things for the winner, but I'd like to add some more when I actually know who it is.

So to Enter, leave a comment here before Saturday May 2nd and Ill use a random number generator (who quite possibly goes by the name Michael) to pick a winner.

Yay!

I received my third DVD from Mommy Daisy in the mail today. I was able to hide it from the kids so that I can bring it out for Chris's birthday sleepover. It's silly but Im always so excited when I get fun stuff in the mail, even plain old letters.

Mommy Daisy has started a brand new review blog where she will be hosting the DVD giveaways as well as a few other reviews... so go check it out. Like now.

breastfeeding

Breastfeeding and I have never really had a very good relationship.

With Rayden, things were fine in the beginning but after a couple of weeks, he started to have problems and I chose to switch him to formula. He would scream for most of the time that he was awake and his belly was always swollen, as if it was filled with a lot of gas. My pediatrician was no help and any tests that were performed, came back fine. I was living with my parents at the time and had lots of help so I know that it wasn't just that I was doing something wrong. My mother had five children herself and Rayden was her third grandchild, she knew her shit. But even she couldn't figure out what was wrong.

So I tried a few bottles of some formula and after a few days, there was no improvement. I was at my end with it all and had no idea what to do. But then at our last doc appointment before moving across the country, my GP gave me a few samples of a lactose free formula to try. His first bottle was the evening we left Ontario and that night was the first time that Rayden slept through the night. All of his issues magically disappeared with that first bottle. No one really believed that he had any real issues with breast milk, but there was no denying that he was a million times better on the lactose free formula.

When Chris was a few weeks old, his dad got mono and this was a few days before another move. This time it was only to a neighboring town, but with two small children and a sick SO, it was just as difficult. I had to keep baby Chris away from his father completely because mono is scary when it comes to newborns. With everything going on, I ended up missing too much school and had to drop the semester, leaving us with a lot less money than planned. So instead of pushing The Ex to get a job on top of his schooling, I decided to get something just to get us through the summer.

When Chris was two months old, I went to work from 7:30 to 4:30 each day at an office that literally had no where for me to pump, except the bathroom. So we started to supplement with formula during the day and I continued to breastfeed him in the evenings and throughout the night. After a month though it was clear that my supply was just not keeping up and I decided to give it up completely.

For someone who was so determined to breast feed, this was crushing. I had had two babies and only breast fed for a combined total of five months. I felt like a failure and I was ashamed to tell anyone. I would always go into the whole story if anyone asked about it just because I didn't want them to judge me, which is insane.

When Michael came along, I was determined to make it work. I spent a lot of my pregnancy reading everything I could on the topic and by the time he was born, I had created my action plan; I would do nothing. With the first two I was so caught up with what I should have been doing or what everyone else told me to do that I think I missed out on finding what was right for my baby and I. When Michael was born, I gave all that up and instead allowed him to eat when he wanted, how he wanted. I usually only ever offered him one side and he would eat until he was finished. Sometimes he would eat again a half hour later and sometimes he would go four or five hours in between. With time, he created his own routine and never once did I stress over it. He didn't use me as a pacifier, and if he ever did try to just suck without eating, I would unlatch him. I was lucky enough that I could bring him with me to work and I had so few classes at that it was rarely an issue to be away from him.

Michael and I lasted a year like that until I had to go away for five days to a conference. I only found out that I was going the week before so I had no time to prepare. My poor mother was stuck with the horrible job of switching him to cow's milk while I was away. The first night he didn't sleep at all, but by the second he was better.

Unknown to me at the time, I actually conceived Josiah while at that conference. I don't think I ever actually stopped making milk during my entire pregnancy and Josiah began breast feeding without a problem. With him the issue was mine, I was done. I've never particularly enjoyed breastfeeding but always thought that it was best for them, so I did it. Unfortunately for Josiah though, I just had this longing to be done with it all from the time he was only a few months old. By six months I was ready to just stop. He'll be nine months next week and we have finally finished. He ate last night in the middle of the night and I think that will probably be his very last time. He still wants it from time to time but he is usually just as happy with a bottle.

Im happy that it's over but a little sad too. I don't want anymore babies and so this will probably be the end of that time in my life. I've given up breast feeding this time for completely selfish reasons but I don't feel bad like I did with my first two. I know that this is the right decision for me and Im sure Ill be a happier mom because of it.