Struggles

On the way to school this morning the boys in the back seat started a conversation about their future careers. I guess this got Jamie to thinking because he then started to come up with a plan on how he was going to move his stuff out of our house. He figured that he would just box up all those small child-sized clothes that he wears now and bring them with him for his kids. Kinda smart, I thought.

Then! Oh my, then he starts talking about how he will find a home without a daddy so that he can move there and be the daddy. My heart broke.

My little 6 year old's view of becoming a father is moving in with a family.

It's obvious how this happened, but I hadn't realised that this was his view. The Ex and I broke up when I was pregnant with Jamie. We spent some time trying to reconcile after the birth but by the time Jamie was about 6 months, The Ex had moved on and was in a new relationship. Unfortunately that new relationship was responsible for a lot of the breakdown in my boys' relationship with their father. Where he used to be attentive and involved, he would only bother to see them once every week or two. Where he used to be the fun, silly parent he was now strict in creating rules in his new home. A lot of this was due to him living with his g/f who didn't have children and who was afraid he would leave her and come back to his family. It took a long time for them to work out these issues and by then, the boys had lost their father.

We were a family ourselves, but I always knew they were hurting. Their uncles would help in some ways, staying involved so that they would have men around, but it wasn't enough. They missed their dad. Through all of it though, I hadn't considered how much this situation was shaping their worldview. Jason moved in last year after we were engaged. At the time, James had just turned 5. I believe the marriage and our constant vigilance regarding the issue has allowed some healing and now 3 of the 4 boys call Jason Daddy. Micah is holding off but he is so starved for male affection that despite his best efforts, he is coming around. He and Jason spend a lot of time watching guy movies or shows or playing video games. It's their bonding time and hopefully with time and effort, they will have the father/son relationship they need.

I was sad for Jamie when he talked about his plans this morning. But after having a chance to think it over, Im more grateful that he now has a Daddy that can show him how to really be a man and a father one day.

19 weeks

Im 19 weeks, plus two days today.

I finally received our wedding pictures Saturday, so I spent all weekend going through them and posting to facebook. This is why Im a little late with my update. Who can blame me though? I mean Wedding Pictures!

Our ultrasound was Friday morning and of course, we had a storm come through the night before. We woke up to unplowed roads and no school. We made it though and had only a short wait, I guess because of cancellations.

Baby was really uncooperative though as most of the images were really hard to see. The tech printed off two pictures for us, but even she was disappointed with the quality. You can see the little peanut in the picture above though, so I'll proudly display this one until we can get a better one.

Some of the measurements were impossible to get so they had me walk around for an hour and eat a snack to try to get baby to move. Nothing seemed to work though so I get to go back for a bonus ultrasound next week. Despite the hassle of getting there first thing in the morning and dealing with child care and school issues, we are happy to see the baby again. Even moreso since baby had it's legs crossed during the entire exam!

18 weeks

Finally! 18 weeks is always the time I wait for during the first half of pregnancy. I know that gender can be determined a little earlier, but I've always had my ultrasounds at 18 weeks. This one is set for Friday morning so I still have 6 days to go, but still, we're finally here! Yay!

Baby is apparently the size of a sweet pepper at this point, though given my weight I really can't tell. I don't normally gain much weight during pregnancy and actually usually end up weighing less once baby is born. This pregnancy doesn't seem to be much different, though I conceived 20lbs heavier than I have ever been before. Im not really sure what happened, but a few years ago, I ballooned over a period of less than a year, gaining about 65 lbs. I don't worry too much about my weight but I have to admit, it's gotten to be a bit much.

The last time I weighed myself was before our honeymoon. At that time I was 228 lbs which is what I've been for at least a year. Once I found out I was pregnant, I weighed myself again and came in at 222. I've dipped down to around 215 while sick, but overall, I stay right around 222. So, even though baby is indeed growing, my size has made seeing any changes in my belly, impossible.

I can feel the movements quite strong, though Jay can't feel them from the outside. It's a little sad that I can't share this with him yet. He, like me was a little upset when we first found out, worried about what this means for the children we already have. Thankfully though, he's come around and is excited, even impatient, for this new little one.

We're both hoping for a girl, Jay even going so far as to ask what shade of pink we should paint the nursery!  Hopefully everything will go well on Friday and we'll have the chance to see our littlest member, and maybe even it's gender too.

My Mom Game

While sick last week, I didn't even bring the kids to school for three straight days.

In light of this, I was a little apprehensive when planning the current week's schedule. Tuesday was pancake day, Wednesday the 100th day of school for the middle two and today is Valentines day. Just getting us back into the routine of packing lunches and leaving on time would have probably been sufficient, but so not fun!

So I trucked along with my plans. I bought eggs on Tuesday and made sure we had some yummy bacon. I didn't go so far as to put coins in our pancakes (I find that weird), but we had whipped cream and berries to go with. The kids enjoyed eating breakfast for dinner and I enjoyed feeling like I was back on my mom game.

I put some of the extra pancake batter into a squeeze bottle that evening and pre-made some "100" shaped pancakes for breakfast the next morning. Micah's should have really said "99," but he didn't mind! We also peeled and stuck 100 little stones onto shirts for the boys. Definitely proud of pulling that one off!

Wednesday ended up being super easy with the premade pancakes and t-shirts. Anything else the kids were doing for their 100th day celebrations were strictly in-class, so I was off the hook. I did however, make sure to pull out the heart shaped egg pans for this morning and to buy some fun cookies for their lunches.

James woke me up early this morning so I was able to pack lunches and set the table before anyone else stirred. The eggs cooked up quick and the kids were all smiles with their little treats at the table. I even remembered to send along the valentines we've been putting together over the last few weeks for the middle boys and Micah's 100th day lego project.

As for my sweetie, we made sure to leave 10 minutes earlier this morning so we could stop and get him a coffee from Tim Hortons. He always enjoys that in the mornings but we're usually too rushed and I hate spending the $. It sure makes for an easy way to show him I love him though, when we do make the effort.

Now that it's all said and done, I can breath a sigh of relief and say we made it! We'll have some heart-sprinkled cupcakes for dessert tonight and Jay and I will hang out together but otherwise, this week and it's special days has been accomplished!

17 Weeks

Ideally, I would have posted this on Saturday, but The Sick had firmly implanted itself in my body and I was not able to do much of anything.

The day I wrote the last post, so a whole 10 days ago, I started to feel sick. Owen had come down with something suddenly the day before, so I was next in line. By Monday afternoon I was curled up on the couch, dreading the drive to pick up my boys from school. Tuesday had me asking Jason not to work late because I couldn't fathom going out in the cold at 8pm to pick him up. The kids even had to fend for themselves for supper that night!

Wednesday to Friday were so bad, I kept all the kids home from school, simply because I couldn't trust myself to drive. Koodos to those moms who find the strength to make lunches and send their kids off when they're sick. Im definitely not one of them. Jason even left work Thursday morning because I called him crying. It was that bad!

Thankfully, I seem to be mostly over it at this point. I have a nose that wont stop running and I tire easily, but those are normal pregnancy symptoms anyway. So, for the pregnancy:

Baby #5 is about the size of an onion this week, or 5 inches from head to bum (that's a big onion!). He/she has been a bit more active; now when I lay down at night or in the early morning, I can feel the movements unmistakably. There was one morning where baby must have totally flipped because I had that big whoosh feeling. So cool!

My ultrasound is still more than a week away so I try to not think of the pregnancy too much. Im a planner and I know that as soon as I find out what we're having, Im going to go into planning mode. Ha! Just to give you an idea of how much of a planner I am, I already have a Baby Meet and Greet SCHEDULED and PLANNED for August. I have invites picked out, a theme, decorations, a date, etc. Actually, I have a boy theme and a girl theme, so I'll be able to really get that going soon!

Seriously though, our house isn't ready for another baby. We have four bedrooms and there's already 6 people in them. The oldest and the youngest kids have their own rooms while the middle two share. ALL of the bedrooms are small though and so we're really not sure where to fit another person. We assumed that while baby was small, we would just have him/her in our room but we are really reconsidering that. There may end up being a whole room rearrangement, depending on the gender, so that's definitely something that Im anxious to get decided.

Otherwise, we're just movin' along. Im thankful to be in the second trimester where things are quiet ,but anxious to get a little further.

16 weeks

Im thinking that maybe Ill do an update each week, as this pregnancy progresses. With my blogging history though, let's not depend on that too much!

Im 16 weeks as of Today which firmly plants me in the second trimester. Im still a little uneasy regarding miscarriage because it would have been around this time that I lost my 3rd pregnancy 8 years ago. There are absolutely no signs that this will happen but it's how my mind works.

Im feeling really good and have been for awhile. The first indication that I was pregnant was how yucky I was feeling back in the fall but thankfully that went away in December. Ever since, it's been pretty smooth sailing. I get tired in the early afternoons and nap when I can, but that's not too often ;)

Mentally I've noticed a change though. I no longer have the focus that I had regarding almost anything. I find it hard to spend hours on my computer writing content for my website or putting together inspiration boards for parties. The things that I would normally have enjoyed feel like a burden and I end up doing bits and pieces throughout the day. This may become a problem given that my business is so new that it needs a lot of time investment right now.

As for baby, he/she is a wiggly little one. I've heard the heartbeat twice now but both times it was moving so much the doc had a hard time keeping with it. I've started to feel little flutters but nothing big enough to be a definite kick.

Baby should be measuring about 10cm from head to bum or about the size of an avocado. It's fun to think that most of this baby is already formed at this point, but just needs to grow and fine tune!

I'm still just shy of three weeks before we get to find out what we're having. The waiting is the most difficult part and Im just hoping that these next few weeks fly by.