Today is Leah's funeral. I cant go because there is no one to watch the kids. Im feeling really upset about this and Im finding myself snapping at the kids almost constantly. I wasn't able to go to Leah's benefit concert before she left for her surgery, then I couldn't make any of the times for the viewings and now I cant make her funeral. I am so sick of things like this! People say things about feeling like they are a single parent because their spouse is gone a lot of the time or whatever but the truth is, most of the time you will have someone to help out. I have no one. I come from a family that would do anything for each other, no matter what. My brothers, parents and I would drop what we are doing to help the other one out, if something comes up. We do not expect anything in return and we just do it because we care about each other. It was a big shock and something I still have to remind myself of, when I realised that most of this world does not operate like this.
Its a f***ing funeral and I don't have a single person in my life that is willing to help out. This is why I do not keep friends; I probably expect too much out of them, but to me a friend is someone who is there when you need them. I would do anything for anyone. A few days ago I dragged my sick ass off the couch, packed three kids into the car and drove someone across town because they had an important meeting to get to and their car broke down. This person? I had never before met them in my life and only knew them from talking online. This is who I am and how I think people should act. Why the hell cant I find someone else out there that cares enough about other people to act like that towards me? The Ex just blocked me from facebook when I sent him a msg asking for help for today.
Its crazy because Leah is exactly the person that would have gone out of her way to help anyone that needed it. She spent so much of her life volunteering and just helping wherever she could. The world needs more more people like Leah Walsh! I found out yesterday that right before she went into her surgery, she told her parents that she had a will on her computer. It wasn't finished because Im sure it was too hard for her to get into, but what she did write was beautiful and only about the good in this world. She wrote to her friends at school about how wonderful they all were and that their differences were nothing and that they should all just get along. Then she wrote a little to her teachers telling them that they did make a difference and that their work was appreciated. She also included a paragraph to the children's wish foundation about what an amazing support they had been over the years. That is as far as she had gotten before she left, but wow. This girl was dying and she cared so much about her friends and teachers that she wanted to write them encouraging messages like that before she left.
We've also learned that my brother proposed to Leah before she left and even though no one knew, he says that she said yes. The day before Leah died, my brother bought her engagement ring and then a few nights ago he gave it to her dad. By the time of the viewing the next day, they had put it on her hand. I think it meant a lot to my brother that her parents accepted how much he and Leah meant to each other, even though they were so young. She is being cremated, so the ring will come off and Leah's mom promised Sam that she will wear it in Leah's memory.
There have just been so many sad, yet wonderful things come up this last week. I have so many little things that Id like to write about but I cant even remember all of them. She was just an amazing girl. My family has some kind-of out there ideas about life and spirituality so Im sure that colors how I see things. I also know that many of you will not share the same ideas so I am hesitant to write freely and openly. I've decided though to just be true to my own beliefs and hope that you will respect them.
Anyway, so Leah was born and immediately they found that she had something wrong with her heart. She was flown right away to Montreal and had her first heart surgery at 18 days old. At the time, they knew nothing of her condition. Every day was a miracle with little Leah and the doctors did everything they could. After this last surgery, her surgeon (the same one that she has had all of her life) came out and apologized to Leah's parents. Her mother instead thanked him for the 17 years that he had given them with their daughter. Without him, Leah probably wouldn't have lived for very long. But also without Leah, the doctors wouldn't have learned as much as they had. Her surgeon told her parents that from what they learned from Leah, thousands of people will be saved. How amazing is that?
Leah's poppy was the only one to pass away in her family up until this point. He actually died at Christmas time himself. Anyway, a few weeks before Leah left, her Poppy started to come into her dreams. Then when she would come in and out of consciousness at the hospital, she would tell her parents that her Poppy had told her it was going to be ok. She said that he was there at the foot of her bed and so her family is taking great comfort in knowing that she is with her Poppy now; a man that she loved so much.
Ugh, I don't even know why Im writing all of this. Its real and its whats in my head at the moment but there isn't really any point to any of it. The funeral is today, in an hour and I so wish I could be there for Sam as he carries the coffin of his first girlfriend out of the church. Immediately after that, my parents have to leave for their move just because they are completely out of time and have to rush as it is. They cant even stay for the reception afterwards because they have to make the ferry departure time. One of my other brothers will be there today with Sam and I just hope that will be enough support for him. I am completely messed up about all of this and I have no idea how he is holding up. I know that he feels honored that God chose him to be the one and only boyfriend to this special girl, and that God only gives us what we can handle. I also know that Leah wouldn't want us all to be upset about this and that she would be the one trying to comfort everyone if she was here.
Rest in Peace Leah, you will be missed.
If you would like to read some of the things that people have wrote to Leah and her family, you can visit the facebook group Prayers for Leah Marie Walsh