Monday, January 11, 2010

Recognizing my Issues

Jason and I have our issues, just like any couple does. Lately though, it seems like everything is becoming an issue. I know that it's all interconnected and when you're in the middle of an issue, everything else seems kind of worse. It's hard though. It's hard to feel like your partner doesn't care (me) or have your partner yell at you (him) for what seems like weeks at a time.

I know I was PMSing and I know that the combined stress of the holidays/travelling/2 house guests/a throat infection all combined to make me into the crazed woman that I was last week, but holy crap it was bad. I was so upset with Jason and for nothing. I hate it when I get like that, when I KNOW that Im being totally irrational, but I cant seem to stop. All I need at those times is a little space and I can usually regroup and refocus to the point where Im totally OK for awhile.

But last week, my house was FULL and I had no where to go. I felt like all the pressure was on me to cook, clean and entertain everyone. Jason's brother was here and so they were off playing with wood and whatever it is that boys do. He was of little help at a time when it felt like the mess in the house was going to take over. There were two extra adults to cook for but no extra room in the budget. In the end that didn't end up being a problem because Jason's mom likes take out and would order a pizza mid-afternoon. But I still had to plan to feed them which was just added pressure.

At one point, I broke down crying and the only place I could go to be alone was the kitchen. But then Jason came in and tried (unsuccessfully) to help, followed by his mom who took a seat and watched the whole thing.

When a woman is having a moment, the worst thing to do is probably tell her how irrational she is being (or to watch). But that is Jason. He gets grumpy and pissy like the rest of us, but when he's in a good mood (which is a lot of the time) he doesn't understand other people's emotions. He actually told me, while I was standing in my kitchen crying, that nothing in this world is worth getting upset about. Really? That's supposed to help me out? How about leaving me the f*** alone? Maybe THAT would help!


This is a big issue for us. Jason is definitely more easy-going and laid back then I am and I can see where we both have to compromise here and try to be a little more even. I need to relax and not freak out if I can't get the house clean enough, or take a few minutes and do what I feel like doing. And Jason needs to take over a little more of the responsibility of the house and step in before I get overwhelmed.

Things are changing around here and Im hoping it'll be for the better. I start work in a couple of hours and Im not going to be the one at home looking after anything anymore. Jason and I have talked about it, but from the way this past weekend has gone, I have my doubts. But Im not going to worry about that. I've set up the slow cooker for supper and Im trying not to think about the dirty bathroom floor or laundry piling up. Instead, Im going to drop the kids off to daycare/school and go off to work. Im going to enjoy my day of meetings and reorienting myself and then Im going to come home and enjoy the evening with my family.

Despite my desire for Jason to DO more, I know that the only way that I'll be more happy with life is if I let go of my need for perfection. Balance is what Im looking for in this new year and Im determined to attain it, but then again, not too determined :P


Amanda said...

Jeff is the same way, he can't understand how things could "bother" me so much but he just doesn't understand all the pressure that lies with me/women to get everything done, plan for the family all while being a "happy" wife. It is tough and you are not alone!!

Astarte said...

DH is a little bewildered when I get upset, too. It's because he doesn't have to be everyone else's appointment manager, medical advisor, maid, cabbie and chef. Bah.