Boys and how much they SUCK!

I first want to just say that I love all you girlies! I keep my msn on pretty much constantly so whenever any of you comment, I know instantly and it always makes me happy.





But anyway...





We all know how I feel about The Ex and Im not sure how much I've written about the other two, but basically if we put them all together my dating history kinda sucks. I dated other guys in between those three and even since, but because Ive been left with children from them they seem to stick out more than the others. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed with some of the ones that I let go. Shortly before I started dating The Ex, I was seeing a guy that pretty much worshiped me. I could do no wrong in his eyes and for some reason that bugged the hell out of me!* I was completely immature myself and still wanted freedom and blah blah blah so I ended it and within a year and a half, I was engaged and had another kid. But what would have become of my life if I had stayed with him? I ran into a mutual friend of ours on a plane a few years back and she told me that he was doing pretty well with his own company and was getting married a few months later. I couldn't help but think that that could have been me.





Even though I know I probably shouldnt what with privacy and all that, here are some pics of the losers (and no, Im not bitter ;) ):

This is The Ex and I right after Michael was born.
He moved out for good six months later.

And this is Josiah's father and I on a business trip.

I had no idea, but I was already pregnant here.

But anyway, the point was that for some reason, I just cant seem to figure out this whole dating thing. With four kids now Ive given up on the ideal of marriage and sharing my life with someone. I was worried about what men would think of a single mom with kids from two different fathers before I became pregnant with Josiah but now that I have him...



Last year a few days before I knew for sure that I was pregnant again, I met a man through a parent group at school. He had a baby girl and was there with his fiance. I didn't take much notice of him because I was seeing someone at the time and so was he. After a few more group meetings though, he and I started talking one day while at a bowling party. It was the first we had talked even though we had actually met about 3.5 months before. Anyway, he told me that he and his fiance had separated. He seemed to be having a hard time with it but I didn't respond well and got distracted with the kids. So about a week later I added him to my facebook and sent him a message asking if he wanted to talk about it. Two weeks later we started dating. He knew that I was pregnant and I knew that he had just left his fiance. We talked a lot about how bad of a time it was for both of us to be dating but we did it anyway. Our issues caused lots of problems in the relationship and we both knew that it wasn't working out so when he was offered a job in another province, he took it. He told me Friday night I think and left Tuesday. We had no time to really talk about what was going on and what it meant for us before he was gone.



I did try to end it right away because I knew I would drive him crazy with my jealousy issues. I have trouble trusting people and even though he had never given me any hint of a reason not too, I still couldn't trust him in another province for 6 months.



The problem is that we have never stopped talking the whole time he has been gone. Ive asked him so many times if he thinks about us getting back together when he comes home but he can never answer me. I have no idea what to think of the situation anymore. He says and acts like we are nothing more than friends but then sometimes talks about when he'll be home again and us hanging out. Ive asked him not to talk to me so much on msn or whatever but he still pops up all the time. Im just as much to blame because I talk to him too, but he is the one to start our conversations nine times out of ten. He knows that I want to try again but he tells me that he doesn't; all the while talking to me every day.



Oh my, I think Im rambling. The point of this post is that men suck. Ha! I cant think of another way to put it. Ive got two guys in my past that got me pregnant and then ran. Ive got an ex husband that wont pay child support and fights me on so many issues. And Ive got a guy that cant figure out if he wants to be with me or not. Creepy psycho guy (see below) seems so much more appealing now.



*As a side story: after we broke up he made a video (he and I were graphic arts students) that featured a surprisingly similar-to-me lead character and was filled with sappy love poetry. When he showed it to my class (he was in another one) my teacher and The Ex both figured out that it was about me and kept shooting me weird looks. It was the creepiest thing I have ever seen. He had still images of lots of different places that were relevant to me too; like my church. Ugh, it still gives me the creeps!

sick days

Last night a little after The Ex dropped the kids off, Rayden started complaining of a belly ache. We went through the usual list of what it could be and he didn't seem to get any better so I sent him to bed early and hoped for the best. Later, at about 3am I was woken up by the sound of the bathroom door being shut in a hurry. I had Josiah in the crook of my arm, so I didn't bother to get up, but I was pretty sure it was Rayden. Then shortly before my alarm went off this morning, I heard Chris crying about how he wasn't feeling very well.

So that was really all I needed to declare today a sick day and let everyone sleep in. We all weren't up until 10, which was heaven in itself but also created some issues. First, today is garbage day and ours is picked up at 8am. Now I have to figure out where to put an extra week's worth of garbage until they come around again next week. Also, holy hell do these kids make noise! Both Rayden and Chris seem perfectly fine now, which was to be expected really. If I had sent Rayden to school, no doubt Id have been called to come back and get him at some point in the day. But because I kept them all home, they've been non-stop playing and yelling. I even kicked the two of them outside for an hour earlier just so that Josiah could nap. I swear if I have to say "shhh" one more time...!

Tomorrow, unless he is sporting some sort of weird contagious looking rash, Rayden is going to school. Come on bedtime!

Conversations

Rayden: "When I grow up Im going to make this thing that you use for your car for when like the battery is dead and its an mp3 player. And, um its like covers the whole car and you just plug your car into it and it is invisible and it charges the battery while you listen to music."

Me: "But where would it get the energy from?"

Rayden: "Well, when Im an adult I'll be a lot more smart and so I'll be able to figure it out."


Ha! That was on the way to school this morning. Last night I was just about to call the kids for dinner when I saw their dad coming up the driveway. Rayden had asked him the day before if he could come pick them up one evening for a little visit, but his dad had already made plans and could possibly do it on Thursday. I didn't hear another word about it and had completely forgotten, which really sucked because I had spent so much time cooking and then had to eat alone. The visit was only for an hour and because he was short on time The Ex asked me to pick them up from his place, on the other side of the city. Really all I did was have my dinner and check a few websites before having to pack Owen into the car and head out to pick them up. It was more of an inconvenience than anything; until I got there.

Ive mentioned before about The Ex's Fiance (we'll call her P now that she is becoming a recurring character), about how her and I have been getting along better and blah blah blah. Well last night she wasn't home and after I got the kids buckled into the car, I asked The Ex what was going on and why he was suddenly acting so harsh towards me. Well, was I surprised when he said that it was P! I've known this guy for a long time and I think I can read him and know when he is telling the truth. He said that a lot of the text messages from his phone are actually P and that she often takes his phone to check up on him. Wow, do they have some trust issues! But back to the story. Apparently, P is really threatened by any contact that The Ex and I have. Even though everything we talk about is kid-related, she still gets jealous and causes trouble for him. I have noticed that he is fine when he is alone picking up the kids but that when P is there, it is all drama. So anyway us having no phone contact is her rule and he is just trying to keep the peace. So it has been worked out that if I need to contact him it will be while he is at work so that she doesn't know. Whatever works, really.

He also mentioned that P and his parents are not getting along because his family wants to include Josiah so that he doesn't feel left out of things that his brothers will be included in. Ive been feeling like they all just want me to go away so that there is no drama but apparently, they are fine with me and Josiah and it is P that is having all the problems. So The Ex was all trying not to be insulting but saying that he wont be investing any emotional energy in Josiah because it would cause issues between him and P but that his family is pushing for that. Man what a situation. He didn't know that Josiah has a sister and that we are trying to work that out so that he has his own other family. Hopefully that knowledge can be relayed and possibly ease some of the tension.

At the end of our conversation I also asked what the hell was up with the Wii and you know he even tried to tell me that Rayden wasn't responsible enough to look after it so it would only come home on special occasions. So I responded with 1) the Wii is Rayden's and so it should stay with him, 2) The adults are responsible for its safe use, not the children and 3)I know that he wants the opportunity to play it too, but that we both paid for it. I have been so worried about this conversation but because P wasn't there, we were able to talk completely normal. So in the end we decided that it will come here this weekend when he brings the kids home and it will stay here for two weeks. Then when the kids go to his place again at the end of those two weeks, it will go back to his place. So like two weeks here, two weeks there but always there when the kids are there. Im fine with this although I hate the idea of packing it up all the time.

All in all, the conversation went over really well and we both were able to see where the other one was coming from. On the way there I was thinking about how important he was in my life for so long and that I will always love him in a way. Not like I did and not like I'd ever want to be with him again; but in a nostalgic, childhood friend kind of way. When I was standing there with him though it was like he wasn't even the same person. He didn't look like he did when we were together. That seems really weird because his looks haven't changed, but I guess I just looked at him differently. That relationship is really dead and he is just like any other person that I may talk to. I would compare the way I see him now to some of the other parents in Rayden's class; I know them and speak with them, but I don't really know all that much about them and don't make a point to talk to them unless the opportunity arises. Last year when I found out that he and P were dating, I could not imagine being where I am now with it. I am so glad though that things have worked out how they have and he and P are together. Now all I need is a man for myself and we'll all be happy! :P

the untitled post

Um, so I had something to say but now I forget...

A bloggy question

I don't know if you all knew that I use pseudonyms for my kids on this blog or not but the fact is, I do. Ive mentioned their names on other blogs and comment sections so Im not too strict about it, but it just seemed weird to be telling the world all of these personal details about them and actually sharing who they really are. The problem is that it is really freaking hard to remember to use them. Last week after working on a post, I even called Josiah by that name. His real name is nothing like that, I mean they share one letter. I often have to correct a name before I publish a post because Ive forgotten to use it. The names that I use on here are their middle names which were only chosen in the first place to compliment their real names. Using them by themselves just doesn't work, for me anyway.

So my question to you is how do you handle this dilemma? I know some of you use initials or middle names or even cutesy nicknames. If you do that, what made you decide to use whatever names you chose? Or even better, do you use your real name in your blog or is that a pseudonym as well? Personally, I use my real name. Ive always loved my name and don't want to hide it. I also love my kids' names (well except Michael's, but that's another story) and Id like to share them here but I wonder about it still. Anyway, comment away peoples and let me know your opinions...um, please. ;)

Food and where the hell was I?

Growing up I was always amazed that my mother knew the exact price of almost every item on her grocery list. When the weekly flyers came around, she always knew when something was a really good deal or when it just seemed like a deal. But I just couldn't understand how she could possibly memorize so many prices. Now that Ive been shopping for my own family for the past seven years though, I think Ive learned at least half of the prices of what I buy.

So when I started noticing that almost every item I picked up today had a higher price tag than usual, I was shocked! I mean I know what I pay for cod, yet here I was paying an extra dollar today. Ditto for the veggies. I don't know when everything went up but holy cow are groceries expensive! I left the store having only paid $90 but that was only because Josiah was getting upset and there is nothing worse than grocery shopping with a pissed off infant. I have to go back again tomorrow to finish but Im worried. One of the biggest things that got me through four years of university with kids was convenience meals. Im working on cooking more and cutting out those high priced easy dinners and take out but I still have a way to go and this is making me rethink that plan.

Weight loss update

Ok so it is 1am and Im still sitting here at my computer, chatting with Melissa and going over my shopping list for tomorrow. Im still way over budget so there is lots of trimming to do, but Im not really with it enough to figure out what to cut. Then there is the laundry that is still in the living room (folded, at least) that I need to go through to find a decent shirt for Rayden's picture day tomorrow. I know there are a bunch of his clothes downstairs in the dryer that are probably all wrinkled too....

But on a brighter note, Ive been noticing myself in the mirror all day thinking that this weight loss thing is finally showing again. I haven't seen the number move on the scale in awhile though so I thought maybe it was just what I was wearing. But then for kicks I thought I would hop on the scale tonight, just to check. Wouldn't you know, Im down another couple of lbs?! Ive been going around thinking that Ive gained a little back, but instead Im down! So that brings me to 161 now. I was 188 this time last year, right before I became pregnant with Josiah. I know Im not fat, but I still feel like I am. Ive always been chubby and up until not too long ago, I was considered obese. Its nice to see pics like these ones (taken about an hour ago) and not see fat. Its funny because I usually see myself as much bigger than what I see in those pics.