Sunday, August 31, 2008
New Custody Schedule!
So I managed to convince The Ex that Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening, every other weekend would be better than the current Sunday 10-4 plan. His gf's parents live just over an hour away so this gives them the opportunity to spend weekends there with their new baby and the kids still get lots of time with Dad....or at least that's what I used as my argument. I was totally shocked when it actually worked. He hasn't actually given me a date as to when it will start or even begun to work out the sleeping arrangements for his small 2 bdrm apartment, but we can worry about those things later. Right now I get to think happy thoughts about those mornings when Josiah and I can lay around in bed until I feel like getting up!
Friday, August 29, 2008
A whole lotta nuttin
I don't really have much to say today. I didn't write yesterday because I couldn't make up my mind about what post I felt like writing. I mean I have lots of ideas floating around in my head but nothing that I have worked out enough to actually do a full post on. It is also raining and Im feeling quite blah.
So instead a collection of thoughts:
Im getting a car next week. It is quite old and not so reliable but it is a car all the same and I can fit all four kids in it. The same brother that took over my lease on my last car is the one that I am buying this one off of. He has decided that he no longer needs the two cars and so this works pretty well. At least I will be able to drive Rayden to school next week since we are staying in a different city than his school.
I spoke with a woman at the government housing office today who informed me that she really doubts that anything will be coming available in the next month. Things could change at a moments notice but
Those last few thoughts were written Friday afternoon and it is now almost midnight on Saturday. Someone started crying and I had to abandon my computer mid-sentence until now. So anyway...!
I've just finished reading a book called The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho. It provoked so many thoughts and feelings in me that I want to explore but I don't know where to begin.
Chris is on his first sleepover tonight at my brothers' house and I feel weird about it. Rayden first stayed over at my parents' house with his cousin when he was 4 so this isn't much different. Rayden was my first though and it felt like such a big deal whereas this was just thrown together last minute and Im not sure Im ready for it. He called to say goodnight and I didn't want to hang up the phone!
I drank some Pepsi earlier and Josiah WILL NOT SLEEP! He is currently laying on my lap smiling up at me when he should be sleeping in his swing beside me, like he does every night.
Rayden starts school on Wednesday and again it feels weird. Im sure most of my uneasiness comes from us being displaced for the entire summer and still having no end in sight. But I just don't know what to do with everything. Usually this time of year I would be making the most of it and trying to fit in a few last fun things to do before school. Instead we are just laying around the house not doing anything. Part of it is because Josiah is here and I am significantly less mobile. As well, I do not have the car yet so going anywhere is difficult.
Ive been terribly restless this summer and it is obviously quite understandable. Despite the housing problems I also finished a degree in May. Previous to that I had been in school for six straight years, without taking even a summer off. So now I am struggling to find things to do with my time and to occupy my mind. All of my books are with the rest of our stuff in storage and so I was going mad, spending way too much time aimlessly wandering the net. That is how I came to read the book I mentioned. My mother offered it to me after I complained of going insane with boredom. Turns out it was something that I really needed at the moment because it spoke to so many issues that I am having on so many levels. Like I said above, I have to sort out my thoughts on it all so I wont comment on what I mean just yet.
I hate my hair. I've never hated what this lady has done before, but I hate this one! It is too long to do anything funky and too short to do anything nice. She said it would still be long enough to put up in a pony tail but no, there is just no way. It is really disappointing because I will be getting our family pictures done for Christmas in early October and there is no way it will grow out enough by then.
I have this feeling like I need to do something so I have been searching the net for various ideas. I have pretty much stole everything that I came up with from other bloggers, so if you recognize something, I didn't really mean to steal it or anything! The idea of NaNoWriMo intrigued me and it is a challenge that I would like to take part in. I think I will do it this year because really when will I have the whole month of November off again? Also from Swistle, I have started postcrossing. I haven't received any yet, but I have sent three so we'll see. Alice is doing the WWC challenge and it seems like fun but Im thinking I probably wont bother.
This is a pretty stupid list of nothingness really, just random thoughts. So I will end with a wonderful picture of my guys:
So instead a collection of thoughts:
Im getting a car next week. It is quite old and not so reliable but it is a car all the same and I can fit all four kids in it. The same brother that took over my lease on my last car is the one that I am buying this one off of. He has decided that he no longer needs the two cars and so this works pretty well. At least I will be able to drive Rayden to school next week since we are staying in a different city than his school.
I spoke with a woman at the government housing office today who informed me that she really doubts that anything will be coming available in the next month. Things could change at a moments notice but
Those last few thoughts were written Friday afternoon and it is now almost midnight on Saturday. Someone started crying and I had to abandon my computer mid-sentence until now. So anyway...!
I've just finished reading a book called The Witch of Portobello by Paulo Coelho. It provoked so many thoughts and feelings in me that I want to explore but I don't know where to begin.
Chris is on his first sleepover tonight at my brothers' house and I feel weird about it. Rayden first stayed over at my parents' house with his cousin when he was 4 so this isn't much different. Rayden was my first though and it felt like such a big deal whereas this was just thrown together last minute and Im not sure Im ready for it. He called to say goodnight and I didn't want to hang up the phone!
I drank some Pepsi earlier and Josiah WILL NOT SLEEP! He is currently laying on my lap smiling up at me when he should be sleeping in his swing beside me, like he does every night.
Rayden starts school on Wednesday and again it feels weird. Im sure most of my uneasiness comes from us being displaced for the entire summer and still having no end in sight. But I just don't know what to do with everything. Usually this time of year I would be making the most of it and trying to fit in a few last fun things to do before school. Instead we are just laying around the house not doing anything. Part of it is because Josiah is here and I am significantly less mobile. As well, I do not have the car yet so going anywhere is difficult.
Ive been terribly restless this summer and it is obviously quite understandable. Despite the housing problems I also finished a degree in May. Previous to that I had been in school for six straight years, without taking even a summer off. So now I am struggling to find things to do with my time and to occupy my mind. All of my books are with the rest of our stuff in storage and so I was going mad, spending way too much time aimlessly wandering the net. That is how I came to read the book I mentioned. My mother offered it to me after I complained of going insane with boredom. Turns out it was something that I really needed at the moment because it spoke to so many issues that I am having on so many levels. Like I said above, I have to sort out my thoughts on it all so I wont comment on what I mean just yet.
I hate my hair. I've never hated what this lady has done before, but I hate this one! It is too long to do anything funky and too short to do anything nice. She said it would still be long enough to put up in a pony tail but no, there is just no way. It is really disappointing because I will be getting our family pictures done for Christmas in early October and there is no way it will grow out enough by then.
I have this feeling like I need to do something so I have been searching the net for various ideas. I have pretty much stole everything that I came up with from other bloggers, so if you recognize something, I didn't really mean to steal it or anything! The idea of NaNoWriMo intrigued me and it is a challenge that I would like to take part in. I think I will do it this year because really when will I have the whole month of November off again? Also from Swistle, I have started postcrossing. I haven't received any yet, but I have sent three so we'll see. Alice is doing the WWC challenge and it seems like fun but Im thinking I probably wont bother.
This is a pretty stupid list of nothingness really, just random thoughts. So I will end with a wonderful picture of my guys:
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Blllllaaaaarrrrrggggg
Michael has started the terrible twos! I know his age would have you believe that he wouldn't start that for anther few months but this boy is ahead of his age, you see. He has started throwing the worst tantrums! and over everything! Just now I forgot to let him "help" take out the bowls for lunch so he freaked, with a capital "F" even. This morning it was because I wouldn't let him play with a fork about a foot from Josiah's head. ARG!
It all means that he is developing in the right direction and learning how to have a little control over his life, but ho boy is it hard. I don't fight with him because that would be pointless. Instead I am firm in whatever rule I am upholding and I try to redirect his attention elsewhere. Yesterday after a few minutes of tantrum I finally got him to come around by tickling him and then letting him tickle me. That was an easy one though and most of the time it takes a lot more effort from me. Problem is that I usually have Josiah in my arms or am busy making lunch or whatever so I have to really make an effort to address the issue.
My mother tells a story about my oldest brother throwing his first tantrum in a grocery store. He was freaking out and wouldn't stop so she pulled down his pants and spanked him. It wasn't harsh or anything but it embarrassed him and he never threw another fit. Now it is a different time and spanking is not so good anymore (especially in public, could you imagine?!) but the same principle is true. If you allow it, it will happen more. If you nip it right away, it should go away on its own.
In the end, Im happy that he is becoming more independent. He refused to eat lunch today because as he said "mumble mumble like it!" (which I interpreted as "don't like it").
Only 1 year, 2 months and 8 days until he is three...
It all means that he is developing in the right direction and learning how to have a little control over his life, but ho boy is it hard. I don't fight with him because that would be pointless. Instead I am firm in whatever rule I am upholding and I try to redirect his attention elsewhere. Yesterday after a few minutes of tantrum I finally got him to come around by tickling him and then letting him tickle me. That was an easy one though and most of the time it takes a lot more effort from me. Problem is that I usually have Josiah in my arms or am busy making lunch or whatever so I have to really make an effort to address the issue.
My mother tells a story about my oldest brother throwing his first tantrum in a grocery store. He was freaking out and wouldn't stop so she pulled down his pants and spanked him. It wasn't harsh or anything but it embarrassed him and he never threw another fit. Now it is a different time and spanking is not so good anymore (especially in public, could you imagine?!) but the same principle is true. If you allow it, it will happen more. If you nip it right away, it should go away on its own.
In the end, Im happy that he is becoming more independent. He refused to eat lunch today because as he said "mumble mumble like it!" (which I interpreted as "don't like it").
Only 1 year, 2 months and 8 days until he is three...
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The Plain White Box PIF
So as I mentioned I won Whimsy's PIF (pay it forward) contest over at The Creamery! Well the package arrived today. I first thought it was an order I had placed at an Etsy shop (more on that later ;) but then when I peeked inside I glimpsed the polka dots that Whimsy had teased us with in this post.
Inside was all sorts of exciting things for the boys and I. Whimsy did a really great job picking out things that we would enjoy even though I had only started this blog days before she came by to find out about me.
There was a notebook, cards, cute little pens, a butterfly stamper thingy, lip gloss and gum for me. And for the boys there was animal crackers, playing cards, a mini bowling game, stickers and fun little face clothes that expand when you put them in water! My favorite by far were the cards which is exactly what I was hoping to get!
I included the last picture because you can see the handy little rule sheet (top left)that will be included and sent along with the box. It outlines the whole process with URLs to where it all began. I really didn't expect everything to be so organized but this lady has got it all figured out! All I have to do now is hold my own PIF, add a little decoration and my name/place specifics to the inside and fill it up with new goodies.
I haven't decided all of what to include in it yet. Im a little limited by space in the box but Im sure Ill manage. I placed a few orders on Etsy to include whenever they arrive but otherwise, Im waiting to learn more about the winner.
Specifics and whatnot:
(oh and I am simply copy and pasting from Whimsy herself)
-You've got to use the box (obviously) for your PIF
- Add some decoration to the box, could be anything, just don't destroy the box itself
- Post your name & location on the inside of the box's lid
- I'll send these instructions with the box itself, but when you post your PIF, please include these details as well, so that any new entrants will know what we're trying to do here
- Once you get a winner for your PIF, you'll send the box on with the instructions
Get it? Cool
Alright so that just leaves the contest itself. Im trying to think of something to make you post about but I have no idea....hmmm...Ooh how about you make it easy on me and just tell me one thing that would be great to include in the box for the winner. Sound Good?
Yay, Im still excited!
Update
I don't want to down play any of what I said in the last post because it was all real. I do however have normal moments where those things are not on my mind. That's where I wonder if it is PPD because its not an all the time thing. It is certainly often, I mean I have those thoughts and feelings daily, but they do not consume all of my time. I want to say thank you to those of you who commented, your words and offers are appreciated.
I assume my outlook will improve when I find a house and have my own space again. As it is, we are a family that is attached but also apart from another family that we live with. We can not function as our own unit like we used to because we are just too much involved with my parents and brother. Hopefully it will be soon. Ive been looking for places to rent for the last two months but the problem is that any place that is big enough for five people is too expensive. Even since February when I first started renting my last house, places have been going up at a really fast rate. To find a similar place I would have to add another two hundred or so each month. There is really no way that I could afford that and it would have to be temporary because the heating costs in the winter would cause the same problem. On top of that is the fact that for every house, there are about five families needing it. Landlords are getting their choice of tenants and a single mother of four kids who isn't working at the moment is not an ideal candidate. The government housing that I applied for seems to be my only hope. They have recently put a lot of money into upgrading the units and so it shouldn't be as terrible as I first thought they would be. Other than certain things like rats and mold, I don't care so much anymore because we just need a place.
I have a family social worker that is helping me to get into a unit as well. She actually works for the same department that would do our equivalent of CPS but in this case she is on my side. She has found a contact within the government housing department who she can get inside info from. If I call, I just get the standard answers and they tell me nothing specific. She called me today and was surprised that I hadn't heard from them by now. She was speaking with her contact last week who gave her the impression that something would be happening in the very near future. So with me not hearing from them by today, she thinks something may have gone wrong. That's not what I wanted to hear, but she will call them again tomorrow and let me know what happens. Basically, if I am going to have a place before October I will be hearing this week.
So enough about that stuff! Its time for the fun! First, I bought my gift to myself number two AND three on Sunday. I first bought a pair of jeans that were on sale in one store that I really liked. Then we went to another store that had an even better sale so I bought another pair. I didn't realise until I got home that the first pair were super low rise (yikes!). Josiah had been crying when I picked them up so I didn't want to bother trying them on even though I haven't bought jeans in this small of a size in at least 10-12 years. Anyway, I got them home and they fit but wow do they feel weird. Im not used to my whole belly and hips being above my jeans but I like them so much that I have to keep them anyway ;) My belly is still a bit squishy from the pregnancy but hopefully that wont take too much work to tighten it back up. My mom warned me that it may not happen though since this was my fourth child but we'll see. The second pair is one size smaller than the first and they fit just as well. They are cut more like I would have normally worn so they are more comfy than anything else. I don't have any pics at the moment, but I may add some another day.
And now for the really fun stuff!!!! I won a PIF contest a couple weeks ago and now it is time to do my own! Oh, what fun! Ive been waiting for the chance to actually post about it but since this is a special one, I had to wait to actually receive my gift before I could. I am going to do a separate post for that though and hopefully I will finish it tonight, but I cant promise anything. Stay tuned!
I assume my outlook will improve when I find a house and have my own space again. As it is, we are a family that is attached but also apart from another family that we live with. We can not function as our own unit like we used to because we are just too much involved with my parents and brother. Hopefully it will be soon. Ive been looking for places to rent for the last two months but the problem is that any place that is big enough for five people is too expensive. Even since February when I first started renting my last house, places have been going up at a really fast rate. To find a similar place I would have to add another two hundred or so each month. There is really no way that I could afford that and it would have to be temporary because the heating costs in the winter would cause the same problem. On top of that is the fact that for every house, there are about five families needing it. Landlords are getting their choice of tenants and a single mother of four kids who isn't working at the moment is not an ideal candidate. The government housing that I applied for seems to be my only hope. They have recently put a lot of money into upgrading the units and so it shouldn't be as terrible as I first thought they would be. Other than certain things like rats and mold, I don't care so much anymore because we just need a place.
I have a family social worker that is helping me to get into a unit as well. She actually works for the same department that would do our equivalent of CPS but in this case she is on my side. She has found a contact within the government housing department who she can get inside info from. If I call, I just get the standard answers and they tell me nothing specific. She called me today and was surprised that I hadn't heard from them by now. She was speaking with her contact last week who gave her the impression that something would be happening in the very near future. So with me not hearing from them by today, she thinks something may have gone wrong. That's not what I wanted to hear, but she will call them again tomorrow and let me know what happens. Basically, if I am going to have a place before October I will be hearing this week.
So enough about that stuff! Its time for the fun! First, I bought my gift to myself number two AND three on Sunday. I first bought a pair of jeans that were on sale in one store that I really liked. Then we went to another store that had an even better sale so I bought another pair. I didn't realise until I got home that the first pair were super low rise (yikes!). Josiah had been crying when I picked them up so I didn't want to bother trying them on even though I haven't bought jeans in this small of a size in at least 10-12 years. Anyway, I got them home and they fit but wow do they feel weird. Im not used to my whole belly and hips being above my jeans but I like them so much that I have to keep them anyway ;) My belly is still a bit squishy from the pregnancy but hopefully that wont take too much work to tighten it back up. My mom warned me that it may not happen though since this was my fourth child but we'll see. The second pair is one size smaller than the first and they fit just as well. They are cut more like I would have normally worn so they are more comfy than anything else. I don't have any pics at the moment, but I may add some another day.
And now for the really fun stuff!!!! I won a PIF contest a couple weeks ago and now it is time to do my own! Oh, what fun! Ive been waiting for the chance to actually post about it but since this is a special one, I had to wait to actually receive my gift before I could. I am going to do a separate post for that though and hopefully I will finish it tonight, but I cant promise anything. Stay tuned!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Angry (long)
I think Im suffering from PPD. I don't know how you can actually tell if you have it, but Im just not right anymore. My life has basically been shit for the last few months and that is just fact, not my interpretation. Coping has been hard and Im not sure how much more I can take. In my real life people see me as this incredibly strong person who can do anything that I put my mind to. And that is true in a sense. Problem is that when I reach a breaking point people don't see it. They blow it off and just expect me to overcome whatever obstacle has come up. But inside I am freaking out. Even in the subtle ways that it usually comes out, people don't see it. I know when that is happening and because I did a lot of psychology in university alongside my sociology, I understand a lot of the shit that I do. Is this making any sense? I don't know.
Back to the point. Ive become incredibly angry and I don't know what to do with my anger. I am angry at everything, even stupid things. Im a little worried about actually saying what I am going to say in this post because I have made friends online that may read this and I do not want them to know that I have failed. Ive skirted the topic in many ways when I write on here and in the various other places that I post to. But the truth of the matter is that I have really fucked up my life and my kids' lives and there is no one to blame but me. It seems that every decision I make is the wrong one and the worst possible thing that could happen always does. Im sure some of you would say that surely I am overestimating, at least I had this or we were ok because of this, but no we really hit bottom.
I spent five years in a horrible relationship where my kids witnessed daily abuse in many forms. I can not say that it was all my ex because it was me too. He and I ended up treating each other like crap and it became physical on more than a few occasions. He left for good in April of 2007, my 24th birthday to be exact. I thought that he had been the source of all of my troubles, he wouldn't work, did a lot of drugs, spent way too much of our money, and really just contributed very little to our family. The day after he left though, he met his now fiance. It didn't take long for him to find a decent job and move in with her. I see them now and they seem to have the life that I always wanted with him. They have a new daughter and he is actually a dad for her. He supports them while she is home with the baby and they seem happy. Im angry that I couldn't have that life. Im angry that I worked so hard for all those years supporting my family and putting myself through university only to end up alone and miserable with nothing. Im angry that all the lies that this man spread about me being lazy or every problem we had being my fault, seem true now. Im angry that his new daughter gets to have a dad and mine barely see him.
After the relationship ended I went through a really rough time mourning the life that I had known for those five years. It was horrible and terrible, but it was still hard to see it end and face the fact that I was again a single mom, this time with three kids. But I did it, I made it through and I was happy for a little while. I was learning who I was. Then I had an opportunity to go to a conference in another province. My family was right there offering to babysit and I decided to go. It was a wonderful opportunity in so many ways and I was really excited and happy to go. This was the first time since I became a mother that I was truly able to be kid-free for a few days. I was pregnant at 17 and so I had never experienced being an adult without being a mother. I went too far though and met a man who I immediately trusted. I think I had just let my guard down too much and I was trying too hard to just forget responsibility. So needless to say, before long I got pregnant. When I tried to call him, he wouldn't answer. Same when I went to his house. I finally saw him walking one day and I stopped the car. He was with his girlfriend (who it turns out he was seeing at the same time as me) and I told him. All he did was turn around and walk away. Without even a word. Soon after he changed his number and moved so that I could not contact him. I still haven't accepted that this really happened. How the hell did I end up with another child? And one that doesn't have a father? Im angry that I have another child. Im angry that he is a boy. For some reason I told myself during this pregnancy that it would at least be worth it if it was a girl. Im angry that Im angry about my own baby. Im angry that I cant afford to give him everything that I want. Im angry that when he was born, he had four sleepers. Im angry that my ex's baby has more clothes than she can wear and every toy or baby item imaginable when mine had to be wrapped in a blanket while I did laundry. Im angry that my child had to sleep in his car seat for the first week of his life because I had no where else to put him.
Because of all the negativity that I was feeling in my life at that time (December 2007) I decided to move. My apartment had rats and it was also the home where my ex and I lived. I wanted to just close that chapter in my life and get serious about providing a better life for my kids. I found a beautiful little place for rent not far from where we had been living. It was across the street from family and there was a park just down the road. I rented it for probably a little more than I could afford, but it was something that I wanted so I promised myself that I would make it happen. And I did. The landlord was a little iffy but I though it was just my imagination or maybe they were just weary and overprotective of their investment. The first power bill came in at $280 for 18 days. This is where the problem came in. I couldn't afford the high cost to heat the place but I refused to give up this home. My kids loved it and I finally felt like I was providing properly for them. I paid what little I could on the power bill and just waited for summer to come and for it to get lower so I could catch up. Unfortunately I never made it that far, and on June 18th the power was cut. Law here says that if a tenant fails to provide power or water to the premises, they can be evicted immediately. So that is what happened. My dad came over to watch the kids on the morning of the 19th so that I could take his credit card and go pay the power bill off. After speaking with the power company on the phone, I knew that if I paid it, they would come the same day and hook it back up. Before I was able to leave though, my landlord showed up with the eviction notice. My dad handled it though because I was just a wreck. If he had not been there, my landlord would have escorted me out of the house, with my little ones in tow. Instead, he was able to talk the guy into giving us the day to get everything together and get out.
So with the help of family, all of our things went into storage and we were out. Before Rayden was even home from school that day, we had moved out of our home. Im angry that my son left for school having a home and was homeless before the end of the day. Im angry that at soccer one time this summer, he announced to the team and their parents that we didn't have a home because the power got shut off and we had to move. Im angry that we had to go to a shelter. I spent a lot of nights crying at that shelter. I was so embarrassed to be there, I didn't want anyone to know. Rayden was invited to two bday parties and even though it was really hard to get there, and I didn't even have a way to wrap a gift, he still went. And I made sure that none of the kids mentioned where we were living. It was too hard to hear out of their mouths let alone the embarrassment of the other parents knowing. We at least had our own room in the shelter but the window overlooked the same intersection where I told Josiah's father that I was pregnant. I couldn't believe that only 7 months before I was standing down there gathering myself back together and deciding to forge ahead. I could not have known at the time that instead of making our lives better, I actually made them so much worse. Im angry that I didn't know better. Im angry that because I tried to take my kids out of a rat infested hell hole, we ended up in a shelter. Im angry that I had to worry about giving birth at the shelter or what would happen to the kids if I suddenly had to get to the hospital. Im angry that their father would rather see them live in a shelter than take them to stay with him. Im angry that I lived in a shelter.
When Josiah was born, the kids stayed at my parents' house. They are also renting right now and their lease is specific about the number of people allowed to live there. This is why I wasn't allowed to stay with them when I lost my house. Im angry they allowed me to go to a shelter. Im angry that none of my family stepped in. Im angry that the only person to finally offer me a place was my cousin and when I decided to take her up on that, her family decided I was a big inconvenience and didn't hide it. Anyway, so since the kids were already at my parents' house that is where I went when I left the hospital. Im angry that I couldn't bring Josiah home to our house. Im angry that we are still living with my parents, two months after we lost our house. Im angry that I am sleeping on the floor along with all four of my kids. Im angry that the housing market is so horrible here right now that there is no where to live. Im angry that I applied for government housing two months ago and still have nothing. Im angry that I had to resort to government housing. Im angry that Im angry. I take things out on the kids. When my mom makes comments to herself or anyone else about how she is sick of her space being taken over, I yell at the kids. At least a dozen times a day I feel unwelcome, or in the way. I can not control these little kids and that makes life very impossible. My dad works nights so for the last two months, the kids haven't been allowed to make any noise during the day. I don't have a car anymore and there are no buses that service this area, so I am stuck here all day long in a house where my kids cant make noise. I am angry that they can not be kids. Im angry that I am stuck here. Im just angry.
So now that I have outlined the suckiness, and that is just the main stuff...there is so much more, I need to get onto the point of this post. The PPD. I am not proud of it and I am really scared of saying this, but I think often about giving my kids to someone. Sometimes I think short term and sometimes I think permanently. I have tried to convey how hopeless everything seems and how I just can not cope anymore but no one seems to get it. I had my SIL totally tell me off after I lost the house and then try to act all nice a few weeks later and ask me to be her son's godmother. She is the only person that I went right out and told that I was at the end of my rope and that I couldn't even handle talking to her. But even she did not understand what I meant. At that time, I was fantasizing about just getting on a plane and leaving. I know I wouldn't be able to ever commit suicide but sometimes it crosses my mind. Im not crazy or whatever. Im just at my end. I need things to finally start looking up. But they aren't. This is why I started those gifts to myself to try and force some happiness.
I know that I couldn't actually let my kids go because I wouldn't be able to live with myself. But then I think about how much better off they would be with someone who had it figured out and wasn't such a fuck up. Im angry that Im a fuck up.
So I know that a lot of these issues come from being angry and that is something I can work with. But the thoughts of leaving or giving the kids away; the thoughts of no longer being a mother, they scare me and make me worry about PPD. My mom is a psychologist and she has seen more and more of this lately from me and this morning she asked me why I was so angry. I didn't tell her much because I couldn't through the tears. I did however tell her that I thought about giving them away daily. Since then, the house has been a little weird and even my dad hugged me tonight. I don't want to fuck up anymore but I am just worried that any move I make will be the wrong one. I cant even decide if I should continue to push for the government housing or if I should find a house that I can rent even though it would be too much money and could potentially mean the same problem. God, Im so sick of poverty and all of the bullshit that goes with it. I went to school so that I could make a better life for my kids and now that I have my degree, Im stuck here with a newborn and cant work.
I know this is long and I thank anyone who has made it this far. Just knowing that you have read this makes me feel better. I feel very alone in this situation and like I don't have anyone to talk to. Hopefully now that this is out there, I can get some support and help from my fellow Internets.
Back to the point. Ive become incredibly angry and I don't know what to do with my anger. I am angry at everything, even stupid things. Im a little worried about actually saying what I am going to say in this post because I have made friends online that may read this and I do not want them to know that I have failed. Ive skirted the topic in many ways when I write on here and in the various other places that I post to. But the truth of the matter is that I have really fucked up my life and my kids' lives and there is no one to blame but me. It seems that every decision I make is the wrong one and the worst possible thing that could happen always does. Im sure some of you would say that surely I am overestimating, at least I had this or we were ok because of this, but no we really hit bottom.
I spent five years in a horrible relationship where my kids witnessed daily abuse in many forms. I can not say that it was all my ex because it was me too. He and I ended up treating each other like crap and it became physical on more than a few occasions. He left for good in April of 2007, my 24th birthday to be exact. I thought that he had been the source of all of my troubles, he wouldn't work, did a lot of drugs, spent way too much of our money, and really just contributed very little to our family. The day after he left though, he met his now fiance. It didn't take long for him to find a decent job and move in with her. I see them now and they seem to have the life that I always wanted with him. They have a new daughter and he is actually a dad for her. He supports them while she is home with the baby and they seem happy. Im angry that I couldn't have that life. Im angry that I worked so hard for all those years supporting my family and putting myself through university only to end up alone and miserable with nothing. Im angry that all the lies that this man spread about me being lazy or every problem we had being my fault, seem true now. Im angry that his new daughter gets to have a dad and mine barely see him.
After the relationship ended I went through a really rough time mourning the life that I had known for those five years. It was horrible and terrible, but it was still hard to see it end and face the fact that I was again a single mom, this time with three kids. But I did it, I made it through and I was happy for a little while. I was learning who I was. Then I had an opportunity to go to a conference in another province. My family was right there offering to babysit and I decided to go. It was a wonderful opportunity in so many ways and I was really excited and happy to go. This was the first time since I became a mother that I was truly able to be kid-free for a few days. I was pregnant at 17 and so I had never experienced being an adult without being a mother. I went too far though and met a man who I immediately trusted. I think I had just let my guard down too much and I was trying too hard to just forget responsibility. So needless to say, before long I got pregnant. When I tried to call him, he wouldn't answer. Same when I went to his house. I finally saw him walking one day and I stopped the car. He was with his girlfriend (who it turns out he was seeing at the same time as me) and I told him. All he did was turn around and walk away. Without even a word. Soon after he changed his number and moved so that I could not contact him. I still haven't accepted that this really happened. How the hell did I end up with another child? And one that doesn't have a father? Im angry that I have another child. Im angry that he is a boy. For some reason I told myself during this pregnancy that it would at least be worth it if it was a girl. Im angry that Im angry about my own baby. Im angry that I cant afford to give him everything that I want. Im angry that when he was born, he had four sleepers. Im angry that my ex's baby has more clothes than she can wear and every toy or baby item imaginable when mine had to be wrapped in a blanket while I did laundry. Im angry that my child had to sleep in his car seat for the first week of his life because I had no where else to put him.
Because of all the negativity that I was feeling in my life at that time (December 2007) I decided to move. My apartment had rats and it was also the home where my ex and I lived. I wanted to just close that chapter in my life and get serious about providing a better life for my kids. I found a beautiful little place for rent not far from where we had been living. It was across the street from family and there was a park just down the road. I rented it for probably a little more than I could afford, but it was something that I wanted so I promised myself that I would make it happen. And I did. The landlord was a little iffy but I though it was just my imagination or maybe they were just weary and overprotective of their investment. The first power bill came in at $280 for 18 days. This is where the problem came in. I couldn't afford the high cost to heat the place but I refused to give up this home. My kids loved it and I finally felt like I was providing properly for them. I paid what little I could on the power bill and just waited for summer to come and for it to get lower so I could catch up. Unfortunately I never made it that far, and on June 18th the power was cut. Law here says that if a tenant fails to provide power or water to the premises, they can be evicted immediately. So that is what happened. My dad came over to watch the kids on the morning of the 19th so that I could take his credit card and go pay the power bill off. After speaking with the power company on the phone, I knew that if I paid it, they would come the same day and hook it back up. Before I was able to leave though, my landlord showed up with the eviction notice. My dad handled it though because I was just a wreck. If he had not been there, my landlord would have escorted me out of the house, with my little ones in tow. Instead, he was able to talk the guy into giving us the day to get everything together and get out.
So with the help of family, all of our things went into storage and we were out. Before Rayden was even home from school that day, we had moved out of our home. Im angry that my son left for school having a home and was homeless before the end of the day. Im angry that at soccer one time this summer, he announced to the team and their parents that we didn't have a home because the power got shut off and we had to move. Im angry that we had to go to a shelter. I spent a lot of nights crying at that shelter. I was so embarrassed to be there, I didn't want anyone to know. Rayden was invited to two bday parties and even though it was really hard to get there, and I didn't even have a way to wrap a gift, he still went. And I made sure that none of the kids mentioned where we were living. It was too hard to hear out of their mouths let alone the embarrassment of the other parents knowing. We at least had our own room in the shelter but the window overlooked the same intersection where I told Josiah's father that I was pregnant. I couldn't believe that only 7 months before I was standing down there gathering myself back together and deciding to forge ahead. I could not have known at the time that instead of making our lives better, I actually made them so much worse. Im angry that I didn't know better. Im angry that because I tried to take my kids out of a rat infested hell hole, we ended up in a shelter. Im angry that I had to worry about giving birth at the shelter or what would happen to the kids if I suddenly had to get to the hospital. Im angry that their father would rather see them live in a shelter than take them to stay with him. Im angry that I lived in a shelter.
When Josiah was born, the kids stayed at my parents' house. They are also renting right now and their lease is specific about the number of people allowed to live there. This is why I wasn't allowed to stay with them when I lost my house. Im angry they allowed me to go to a shelter. Im angry that none of my family stepped in. Im angry that the only person to finally offer me a place was my cousin and when I decided to take her up on that, her family decided I was a big inconvenience and didn't hide it. Anyway, so since the kids were already at my parents' house that is where I went when I left the hospital. Im angry that I couldn't bring Josiah home to our house. Im angry that we are still living with my parents, two months after we lost our house. Im angry that I am sleeping on the floor along with all four of my kids. Im angry that the housing market is so horrible here right now that there is no where to live. Im angry that I applied for government housing two months ago and still have nothing. Im angry that I had to resort to government housing. Im angry that Im angry. I take things out on the kids. When my mom makes comments to herself or anyone else about how she is sick of her space being taken over, I yell at the kids. At least a dozen times a day I feel unwelcome, or in the way. I can not control these little kids and that makes life very impossible. My dad works nights so for the last two months, the kids haven't been allowed to make any noise during the day. I don't have a car anymore and there are no buses that service this area, so I am stuck here all day long in a house where my kids cant make noise. I am angry that they can not be kids. Im angry that I am stuck here. Im just angry.
So now that I have outlined the suckiness, and that is just the main stuff...there is so much more, I need to get onto the point of this post. The PPD. I am not proud of it and I am really scared of saying this, but I think often about giving my kids to someone. Sometimes I think short term and sometimes I think permanently. I have tried to convey how hopeless everything seems and how I just can not cope anymore but no one seems to get it. I had my SIL totally tell me off after I lost the house and then try to act all nice a few weeks later and ask me to be her son's godmother. She is the only person that I went right out and told that I was at the end of my rope and that I couldn't even handle talking to her. But even she did not understand what I meant. At that time, I was fantasizing about just getting on a plane and leaving. I know I wouldn't be able to ever commit suicide but sometimes it crosses my mind. Im not crazy or whatever. Im just at my end. I need things to finally start looking up. But they aren't. This is why I started those gifts to myself to try and force some happiness.
I know that I couldn't actually let my kids go because I wouldn't be able to live with myself. But then I think about how much better off they would be with someone who had it figured out and wasn't such a fuck up. Im angry that Im a fuck up.
So I know that a lot of these issues come from being angry and that is something I can work with. But the thoughts of leaving or giving the kids away; the thoughts of no longer being a mother, they scare me and make me worry about PPD. My mom is a psychologist and she has seen more and more of this lately from me and this morning she asked me why I was so angry. I didn't tell her much because I couldn't through the tears. I did however tell her that I thought about giving them away daily. Since then, the house has been a little weird and even my dad hugged me tonight. I don't want to fuck up anymore but I am just worried that any move I make will be the wrong one. I cant even decide if I should continue to push for the government housing or if I should find a house that I can rent even though it would be too much money and could potentially mean the same problem. God, Im so sick of poverty and all of the bullshit that goes with it. I went to school so that I could make a better life for my kids and now that I have my degree, Im stuck here with a newborn and cant work.
I know this is long and I thank anyone who has made it this far. Just knowing that you have read this makes me feel better. I feel very alone in this situation and like I don't have anyone to talk to. Hopefully now that this is out there, I can get some support and help from my fellow Internets.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Grade Two
Kristi did a post the other day about her daughter's massive school supplies list for grade one. For comparison's sake, I am including Rayden's list for grade two. Note: Kristi had all of her daughter's things already PUT AWAY and LABELED when she wrote, I however haven't even braved the stores yet. So ya...
- 30 sharpened pencils (only Dixon HB)
- 1 pencil sharpener (one that contains the shavings)
- 1 pencil box container
- 4 white erasers (Staedtler Mars) <---I have no idea?
- 4 large glue sticks (UHU)
- 8 duo tang folders with metal attachments (2 red, 2 yellow, 2 green, 2 blue)
- 4 exercise books (1 green, 1 blue, 1 yellow, 1 orange or pink
- 1 pkg of construction paper (please sort the colours) <---ya there's an hour I'll never get back!
- 1 pair of good quality scissors (fiskars)
- 1 set of coloured lead pencils (sharpened) (no markers please)
- 1 large box of Ziploc freezer bags (not with zipper closure)
First of all, do you know how long it takes to sharpen 30 pencils? I do cause I gotta do it every year! Oh and the blisters, what fun! But in all fairness, this list isn't half as bad as his grade one list was. So I feel for ya Kristi, even with that handy system your school has.
Also, because it is so sweet, Im going to add a copy of a letter his grade one teacher sent home. It is really sweet, and this teacher will be missed.
Dear Parents,
First, a big "Bravo!" to your children.
They have worked extremely hard over the last ten months! They have all learned to speak, read and write, in a second language, and when you consider their age, that is truly amazing. I am VERY proud of each and every one of them, as you should be.
Congratulations to all of you as well - you've passed Grade One French Immersion with flying colors!! Here is YOUR Report Card:
- Hard Work (especially the last few weeks when you would rather NOT have had homework!)..........................................................................................................................5+
- Cooperation (even when times were tough!)..................................................................5+
- Patience (with your children AND with Mme!)..............................................................5+
- Communication Skills (always open to suggestions and offering them as well!)........5+
- Social Skills (especially for kindness!)...............................................................................5+
One of the most important factors in a child's education is the Parent-Teacher relationship, so I would like to leave you with a little advice - as a teacher AND as a mother:
- Always remember that we are all on the same team.
- Work closely with your child's teachers over the years.
- Don't be afraid to ask questions - you DO have a right to know!
- And try not to be afraid of the answers - even though they may not always be the ones you want to hear.
- Keep working, even if you have to work less.
- Hang in there - they're only young for a little while!
I know, so sweet! And also so true, even though it is hard to remember sometimes. There is more to the letter but that is the most important part. This letter was written by Rayden's grade one teacher, Mme Bry.
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