Blah...oh, and fuck

So I think I've been avoiding writing here for the last week. There are lots of reasons for this but it mainly has to do with the fact that I'd rather not have to update on the crappy weekend I had. Needless to say, the Mr that I told you all about is....hmm, how should we put it? Maybe I'll just go right ahead and call him an asshole. Ya, that works. I dont want to go into specifics but Im pretty sure you would classify him the same. So that sucked.

I haven't been doing much else this week either. I gained about 4 lbs last week somehow and I think Im continuing in that direction this week too. The sun is shining and I want to exercise but I just never get around to actually doing much of anything. Then I get depressed and the cycle starts all over again.

I've also had to cut my grocery budget even more so that I could afford all the damn taxis that I needed to take this week. It's been costing $40/day plus the little bits that I give my brothers for picking up/dropping off Rayden for school. UGH!! Not having a car in this city costs so much more than having one does. And the most ridiculous part is that I gave up my 3 year old car last year so that I could save a bit of money! So far, I haven't saved a penny.

I've been in such a negative mood that I haven't wanted to do anything productive and that always makes me feel guilty. Not only am I gaining weight, feeling lazy, stressed about money, and not interacting with the kids, but then there is the whole guilt about not doing anything to make our lives better. I know that only I can get this family into a better place and yet I find it so hard to motivate myself sometimes. I get those thoughts in my head that Im not good enough or why bother applying for that job because I'll never get it anyway. It's so frustrating!

Not long ago I actually wrote an article that I was extremely proud of. It was one of those moments where I was thinking clearly and felt like everything was just flowing out of me. I emailed the whole thing to my mom and she wrote me a lovely email back encouraging me to submit it for publication. Then I got a similar email from my dad saying that it had brought tears to his eyes. BUT even with their validation, I still feel like Im not worthy/special/good enough to even think about something like that. I mean Im just a nobody that has never even taken a high school English class! Why would I even think that what I had to say or even the way that I chose to say it would be appreciated by anyone but my family? To be honest, I actually spend way too much time reading over my posts before I publish them because Im always worried that I will sound like a total idiot due to my lack of writing ability.

I hate feeling this way. Im usually so determined and ready to take on whatever it takes to reach my goals but Im just not feeling it lately.