Thursday, February 26, 2009

Blah...oh, and fuck

So I think I've been avoiding writing here for the last week. There are lots of reasons for this but it mainly has to do with the fact that I'd rather not have to update on the crappy weekend I had. Needless to say, the Mr that I told you all about is....hmm, how should we put it? Maybe I'll just go right ahead and call him an asshole. Ya, that works. I dont want to go into specifics but Im pretty sure you would classify him the same. So that sucked.

I haven't been doing much else this week either. I gained about 4 lbs last week somehow and I think Im continuing in that direction this week too. The sun is shining and I want to exercise but I just never get around to actually doing much of anything. Then I get depressed and the cycle starts all over again.

I've also had to cut my grocery budget even more so that I could afford all the damn taxis that I needed to take this week. It's been costing $40/day plus the little bits that I give my brothers for picking up/dropping off Rayden for school. UGH!! Not having a car in this city costs so much more than having one does. And the most ridiculous part is that I gave up my 3 year old car last year so that I could save a bit of money! So far, I haven't saved a penny.

I've been in such a negative mood that I haven't wanted to do anything productive and that always makes me feel guilty. Not only am I gaining weight, feeling lazy, stressed about money, and not interacting with the kids, but then there is the whole guilt about not doing anything to make our lives better. I know that only I can get this family into a better place and yet I find it so hard to motivate myself sometimes. I get those thoughts in my head that Im not good enough or why bother applying for that job because I'll never get it anyway. It's so frustrating!

Not long ago I actually wrote an article that I was extremely proud of. It was one of those moments where I was thinking clearly and felt like everything was just flowing out of me. I emailed the whole thing to my mom and she wrote me a lovely email back encouraging me to submit it for publication. Then I got a similar email from my dad saying that it had brought tears to his eyes. BUT even with their validation, I still feel like Im not worthy/special/good enough to even think about something like that. I mean Im just a nobody that has never even taken a high school English class! Why would I even think that what I had to say or even the way that I chose to say it would be appreciated by anyone but my family? To be honest, I actually spend way too much time reading over my posts before I publish them because Im always worried that I will sound like a total idiot due to my lack of writing ability.

I hate feeling this way. Im usually so determined and ready to take on whatever it takes to reach my goals but Im just not feeling it lately.

8 comments:

St said...

I feel ya. On the getting so run down and feeling like your writing probably sucks (it doesn't)
Hoe things get better soon.

Mommy Daisy said...

Sounds like you need a pick me up. HUGS! I hope that things start looking up soon.

Kristi said...

I love your post title. It pretty much sums up the winter blues that have been going around! I'm sending lots of HUGS. I hope you feel better soon!!

tara said...

I am right there with you this week, girl. I am not lying when I say that I would just as soon have stayed in bed from Monday on. I'd have accomplished about as much either way.

Beth (A Mom's Life) said...

Cherish,

Your writing does not stink! Please don't let negative thoughts get in your way of doing what you want to do.

I'll be praying for you this week!
Hang in there.

Beth

Debbie said...

Some days it is just so hard to write! And it sounds like you have had a lot going on lately. Hope you feel better soon.

Shanon said...

$$mle for u.. nice blog.. please $$mile back for U$...

Astarte said...

You *ARE* worthwhile. Definitely. I never think you sound like an idiot. I've been kind of avoiding my blog, too, because I'm just bottomed out right there with you. Bleh, I just need some freakin' fresh air already!!!